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Thứ Năm, 2 tháng 3, 2017

A blonde cop stops a blonde motorist...

A blonde cop stops blonde motorist and asks for her driving license.

The Motorist scuffles around in her purse and can't find it. She says to the cop, "I must have left it at home officer."

The cop says, "Well, do you have any kind of identification?" The motorist scuffles around in her purse again, and finds a pocket mirror.

She looks at it and says to the cop, "All I have is this picture of myself." The cop says, "Let me see it, then." So the blonde motorist gives the mirror to the blonde cop, who looks at it, and replies, "Well, if I had known you were a police officer, I wouldn't have even pulled you over. You can go now."

I tried to look up lighters in Amazon.

All they had was 13,749 matches.

Thứ Tư, 1 tháng 3, 2017

A jew is moving from USSR to Israel

A jew is moving from USSR to Israel and in his luggage he has a sculpture of Lenin . At the Russian border he is asked:

-What is this? The jew answers

-The question is not what is this but who is this . This is Lenin and I want to bring him to my home country to preach how great Russia is and how good of an example Lenin is . They let him pass

At the Israel border he is stopped once again and asked

-What is this ? The jew answers

-The question is not what is this but who is this .This is Lenin the tyrant of Russia who is having Russia under his boot and woudn't let a simple man like me create a busyness. They let him pass

Once he gets home his family asks him -Who is this ?

The jew answers

-The question is not who is this but what is this .This is a 20 pound pure gold bust that I managed to smuggle out of Russia

What did the suicide bomber instructor say...

I'm only going to show you this once.

Intelligent life?

In space, two aliens are talking to each other.

The first alien says, "The dominant life forms on the Earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons."

The second alien asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"

The first alien says, "I don't think so, they have them aimed at themselves."

Two blokes were on a plane one day.......

........ and they were sitting side by side. Coincidentally, they each had one black eye. They started talking.. 'hey mate do you mind if I ask how you got your black eye?'. 'Yeah no worries', the other one responded. 'I was at the airport check in and when I got to the counter, I couldn't help but notice the girl at the check in had massive tits, so instead of asking for two tickets to Pittsburg I accidentally asked for two pickets to titsburg and she hit me!.. Can I ask how you got yours?'.. 'yeah no worries, it's actually quiet a similar story to yours' the other guys says.. 'I was at home this morning about to eat breakfast with the Mrs and kids and instead of asking me mrs "hey can you please pass me the frosty's cereal", I accidentally said "you've ruined me life you evil cunt"

I like my women like I like my whiskey...

WITHOUT BRIAN'S FUCKING DICK IN IT, JENNY.