"Thank you for calling the NSA..."

"The only government organization that actually listens to you!"...

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What's the difference between a drug dealer and a prostitute?

The prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again...

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Actually, the past tense is "hanged", as in "he hanged himself"

Sorry about your Dad, though...

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One man's trash is another Man's treasure

Is not the way to tell your son he is adopted....

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A hitman was being questioned by the police...

"Do I understand this clearly", asked the officer in charge of the questioning, "You only took contracts from celebrities?". "Yes, that is correct" answered the hitman. "Why would you do that? Your records say you were building a career and seemed to have everything in order, but then you just threw it all away and became a hitman" said the officer. "Well, you see, I didn't really want to" said the hitman. "You didn't want to?" asked the officer, getting irritated. "Is that how you're going to defend yourself in court?!" "Well it was my dad who...

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People thought I was crazy when I said that Emma Watson was cute and totally bangable

That was 15 years ago, and now look at everyone jumping on the bandwagon. You people make me sick...

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Y'know, sometimes I just really wanna talk shit about reddit mods.

[removed]...

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