Little Johnny comes home from school

He says to his father, "Dad, our math teacher is asking to see you."

"What happened?" the father asks.

"Well, she asks me, 'how much is 7x9?' I answer '63' , then she asks, 'and 9x7?' so I asked 'what's the fucking difference?' "

"What is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.''

The next day, Johnny comes home from school "Dad, have you gone by the school?" He asks.

"Not yet."

"Well when you do, come and see the gym teacher also."

"Why?" asks the father.

Johnny explains, "Well, we had a gym class today, and he asked me to raise my left arm, I did. Then my right arm, I also raised it. Then he asked me to lift my right leg, so I did. 'Now,' he says, 'lift your left leg,' so I asked 'The fuck am I suppose to do, stand on my dick!?'"

"Exactly," says the father. "Alright, I'll come."

The next day, Little Johnny asks his father "Did you go to the school?"

"No, not yet."

"Don't bother, I got expelled."

Surprised, the father asks "Why did you get expelled?"

"Well, they summoned me to the principal's office, and sitting there were the math teacher, the gym teacher, and the art teacher."

"The fuck was the art teacher doing there?" asks the father.

"That's what I asked!" said Little Johnny.

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What gets easier to pick up the heavier it gets?

A woman.

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I'm not passive aggressive

Unlike some people

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A man is cleaning out his house and finds a pile of old New York Post papers.

He decides he doesn't have any use for them, and goes to the local recycling center to dispose of them.

He sees the first recycling bin, marked "Glass". The man says, "No, this won't do. I need a different bin."

He sees the second recycling bin, marked "Plastic". The man says, "No, this won't do. I need a different bin."

He sees the third recycling bin, marked "Paper". The man says, "No, this won't do. I need a different bin."

He sees the fourth recycling bin. marked "r/Jokes". The man says, "Oh, finally. Somewhere I can recycle all my old Posts."

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My daughter has got to the age where she ask embarrassing questions about sex

Such as today when she asked "Is that the best you can do?"

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...And That's When I Lost It.

I rear-ended a midget the other day with my car. I didn't know he was a midget when I ran into him. I got out to apologize, expecting a normal size driver, and when I saw the midget climb out of his car and start walking back toward me with his grumpy face, I just about lost it. I can't help it, I laugh when I'm nervous, and he just looked so funny marching back toward me.

 

So anyways, I'm doing everything I can to avoid cracking up because I know it's only going to make it worse if I start laughing at him after I've already dented his car. Well he looks at me with a very stern face and he can tell I'm not taking him very seriously.

 

"There's nothing funny about this." He said.

 

"I know." I replied.

 

"I'm not happy." He stated.

 

"Well then which one are you?"

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What's the difference between me and Jimmy Fallon?

I can get through a Jimmy Fallon sketch without laughing.

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