Because burning that shit will get you stoned!
Thứ Sáu, 28 tháng 7, 2017
A little boy was looking through the keyhole of his sister's room
Mom says with a smile, "why are you concerned with what your sister is doing in there?" Boy replies, "I am not concerned with her, I am wondering what dad is doing."
"TOMATO, POTATO, LETTUCES, GET YOUR VEGETABLES HERE!"
Shouted the man in the street, standing in front of boxes filled with vegetables trying to get people to buy them. A woman then walks up to him and asks "Can I have 4 tomatoes, 4 potatoes, and 4 onions please ?" the man says to her: "well I am very sorry but we don't have any onions left, we have tomatoes, we have potatoes, but we're totally out of onions" the woman then says "oh well, then I will have two tomatoes, two potatoes and two onions please" the man says "miss I am sorry but like I said we do not have any onions left" the lady then says "oh I must have miss heard you, then I would have one tomato, one potato and one onion, please." the man gets a little but frustrated with the lady and says "alright, let's play a game, if you take the 'omato' out of tomato, what do you get?" the woman confused says "you would get 't' " the man says "correct, and if you would take the 'otato' out of potato, what would you get ?" the woman says "you would get 'p'" the man then says to her "correct again! now, if you take the 'FUCK' out of onion what would you get then ?" the woman very much confused says "but.... there is no 'fuck' in onion. " and the man screams "CORRECT! THERE IS NO FUCKING ONION!"
Lesson 3 of 6: The Priest
A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said,”Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest removed his hand. But,changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest apologized “Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.” Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, “Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.”
Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss great opportunities.
A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal…
The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”
Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”
“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry’s wife.
“Bonnie,” he says, “Larry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?”
“Oh sweet Jesus”, exclaims Bonnie. “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”
Two women and a man are sitting at a park bench
The first woman looks across the bench at the man and studies his face.
"Oh my gosh" she said to the second woman,
"i think that's Adolf Hitler"!
"It can't be", the second woman responds,
"he killed himself 70 years ago".
But the first woman was sure this man was Hitler, so she leaned across the bench and asked the man,
"why excuse me, are you Adolf Hitler"?
The man looks up,
"indeed, i am Adolf Hitler".
Both woman look at each other in shock,
"see"? says the first woman to the second,
"i told you that was Hitler"!
"My god you're right"!
The second woman responds,
She turns her head to Hitler and asks,
"what are you doing here"?
"Well", he whispers,
"i'm planning another mass homicide".
"I'm going to kill another 6 million Jews, and 6 postmen".
"Why the 6 postmen"?
The two woman ask simultaneously
"See"?
Hitler responds,
"Still no-one gives a shit about the Jews".
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