A teacher says "Spit out the gum!" A train says "Chew! Chew!"
Ye, courtesy of my 8 year old daughter.
Thứ Hai, 31 tháng 7, 2017
An Officer is on patrol in L.A.
When he sees a driver fail to stop at a Stop sign.
He chases after the guy and pulls him over.
Officer: "Sir. Do you know why I pulled you over?"
Driver: "No."
Officer: "You failed to stop at the Stop sign back there."
Driver: "I slowed down, what's the big difference?"
The Officer drags the man out of his car, pulls out his baton and starts beating the shit out of him while yelling:
"DO YOU WANT ME TO SLOW DOWN OR STOP?"
A Lesson in Morals
One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story.
Little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."
When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."
Little Lucy went next. "My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched."
Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story.
Lucy replied, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch."
Next up was little Johnny. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down, he drank the case of beer. Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets! So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands."
The teacher looked a little shocked. After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story.
"Well," Johnny replied, "Don't fuck with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking."
Anal invitation
"Let's go to your place." Said a fat girl.
"I would love to, but i don't have any lubricant"
"I don't think it's necessary, i'm not that tight" says the girl while smiling.
"Maybe you're not, but my door is."
Manliest man ever contest
Three men joined the Manliest Man Ever contest, the one who passed 3 rooms will get the award: - First room: 10 barrels of best wine - Second room: 10 times with a very hot model - Third room: 10 hours with a tiger.
The first guy goes with the girl room, and after 8 times, he quit. The second guy goes with the tiger, and after 8 hours, he quit.
The last guy said "f**k the contest, I will try the wine first", the he goes to the first room. After 10 barrels, he somehow managed to go to the tiger room. 10 hours later, he came out, and said
"Hell of a night man. Now, show me the tiger room"
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