Little Johnny goes to a Whorehouse

Little Johnny, about 7 years old, is on his way to a whorehouse. Once he gets there, he goes to the Madame and speaks to her

Johnny: Hey there Missus. I would like a hooker, please

Madame: I'm sorry little boy. you look way too young to come here. What's your phone number? I think your parents should come pick you up.

Johnny: No ma'am. I want a hooker

Madame: I can't let you. you're way too young

So they start arguing for a few minutes until Johnny reaches into his pocket and grabs a fat wad of cash. The madame thinks about it for a few seconds and then relents.

Madame: OK fine. Let me get a lineup and you can pick out the one you want to have fun with

Johnny: Don't worry about that, I got it all figured out. I want a girl with diseases.

Madame: I have a girl with diseases, but i don't think you want her. Let me get a lineup and you can get one of my good girls

So they argue again for a few minutes until Johnny pulls out another, even larger wad of cash. The madame has to think about this a little longer but eventually relents

Madame: OK fine. I'll take you to Jenny's room and you can have fun with her

Johnny: Great. Thanks!

So Johnny goes to Jenny's room, does his thing and then comes down a few minutes later. Before he could leave, the madame stops him

Madame: Why were you so hell-bent on getting a girl with diseases?

Johnny: Well when I get home, mommy and daddy are going on a date night. The babysitter will come over, molest me and get the diseases.

When mommy and daddy get home, daddy will take the baby sitter home, fuck her and daddy will get the diseases

When daddy gets home, mommy and daddy are gonna fuck and mommy will get the diseases

Tomorrow, when daddy is at work, mommy will fuck the mailman and the mailman will get the diseases AND THAT MOTHER FUCKER RAN OVER MY PET TURTLE. HE'S GONNA GET WHAT'S COMING TO HIM

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Anal sex is like hacking.

You go in through the backdoor and hope a log isn't found.

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My wife texted "I'm leaving you"

And followed with "after lunch to go shopping with my sister."

I asked why in the world she sent the message that way. "I just wanted you to realize how good you have it with me."

I texted her back "Remind your sister she said she would come over later to give me a hand job"

A minute later I finished the message "-searching and resume building."

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Three men were discussing aging at the nursing home.

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old. You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"
"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.
"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."
"Do you have trouble crapping?"
"No, I crap every morning at 6:30."
With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so tough about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00."

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Two deer walk out of a gay bar.

The one deer turns to his friend and says "Man, I blew like 30 bucks in there."

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A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it.

He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"

"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Ferrari."

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"

"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."

So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.

"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do: First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."

"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."

"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem." The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 - but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"

"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is.."

As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!" He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can.. Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!

Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence!

Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body.

He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?

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A woman goes on vacation to Jamaica.

Upon arriving, she meets a black man, and after a night of passionate love-making she asks him, “What is your name?”
“I can’t tell you,” the black man says.
Every night they meet, and every night she asks him again what his name is, and he always responds the same, he can’t tell her. On her last night there she asks again, “Can you please tell me your name?”
“I can’t tell you my name because you will laugh at me,” says the black man.
“There is no reason for me to laugh at you,” the woman says.
“Fine, my name is Snow!” the black man replies.
The woman bursts into laughter. The black man gets mad and says, “I knew you would make fun of it.”
The woman replies, “I’m not making fun of your name. I’m thinking of my husband who won’t believe me when I tell him that I had 10 inches of Snow every day in Jamaica!”

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