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Thứ Năm, 17 tháng 8, 2017

"Tony, can you spell your name backwards?"

Tony: sure... y not

A man is walking home one foggy night,

When behind him he hears:

Thump...

Thump...

Thump...

He looks back, but the source of the sound is obscured by the fog. He continues walking.

Thump...

Thump...

Thump...

He begins to walk faster, and looks back over his shoulder as he hurries along. He sees the faint outline of a coffin standing upright, hopping along after him.

Thump...

Thump...

Thump...

Terrified, the man begins to run, cutting through an alley in hopes of losing his pursuer, but the coffin follows quickly.

Thump...

Thump...

Thump...

Faster and faster he goes, until he finally reaches his house. Out of breath, he lets himself in and slams the door shut behind him, locking the deadbolt. He backs away from the door as he hears banging on the other side:

Thump...

Thump...

Thump...

CRASH!

The coffin bursts through the door, unhinging its lid. The lid swings wildly as it hops after him, and he screams and runs up the stairs.

Clappity-thump...

Clappity-thump...

Clappity-thump...

He runs into the bathroom and shuts the door, cowering against the back wall. Again, it rams into the door, smashing it open.

The man searches frantically for something to defend himself with. He sees a bottle of cough syrup on the counter and snatches it up. Desperately, he throws it at the coffin, and...

The coffin stops.

If I'm offering you my seat, you fucking take it.

I don't need this "omg i cant drive a train" shit

Dear God,

If you want us to impeach Trump, just give us a sign. Like blot out the sun. Anytime in the next week.

Thanks,

America.

Me and my buddy were masturbating to some hardcore dinosaur pornography.

Unfortunately, my mothersaurus.

I rode to the liquor store yesterday on my bicycle...

I bought a bottle of Rum and put it in the bicycle basket.

As I was about to leave I thought for a moment, if I fell off the bicycle the bottle would fall out of the basket and break.

To avoid that, I drank all of the rum before I left the store.

It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off the bike seven times on my way home

What's it called when a chameleon can't change its colors anymore?

A reptile dysfunction.