One is a super hero and the other is a simple comand.
Thứ Sáu, 17 tháng 11, 2017
[Long] First time buying condoms
When I was 16 years old, I bought my first pack of condoms. I was very nervous as I walked up to the pharmacists. She asked if it was my first time buying condoms. I told her it was.
"Do you know how it works or should I show you?" she asked
"I would like a demonstration", I replied.
The pharmacist took one condom out of the package and rolled it around her thumb. She told me to be very careful that it's very important to make sure it's secured well.
Then she looked around the store and noticed there was nobody else there. She quickly locked the door and took me to the back of the store. She took off her shirt and bra.
"Does this excite you?" She asked.
I nodded. Then she said it was time for me to put on the condom. While I was doing that, she took off her pants and panties and layed down on the table.
"Hurry up, we don't have much time!" she said.
So I quickly jumped on to her. It felt so good that I almost came immediately. She looked a bit disappointed and said:
"I hope you secured it well!"
"It sure is!" I replied, giving her a thumbs up!
After 10 years, the wife thinks their kid looks kind of strange
She decides to take a DNA test. She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents.
Wife: "Honey, I have something very serious to tell you."
Husband: "What's up?"
Wife: "According to the DNA test results, this isn't our kid."
Husband: "Well, you don't remember, do you? When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed our baby had pooped. You said: Please go change the baby, I'll wait for you here."
Grandpa Passed Recently. This Was His Favorite Joke
An older couple is driving across the country when they get pulled over by a cop - the husband is driving.
"Sir do you have any idea how fast you were going?" Says the police officer.
"What'd he say?!" the man's wife screams at him.
"We got pulled over for speeding!" Man yells back at his wife. She nods in understanding.
"May I see your license please?" The police officer asks the driver.
"What'd he say?!" the wife again screams at the driver.
"He wants to see my license!!" the man explains back to his wife. She again, nods in understanding.
The man hands the officer his license and a smile spreads across the officers face.
"Tallahassee, Florida? I had the worst fuck of my life there!!" the officer chuckles.
"What'd he say?!?!" the woman yells again.
The man looks at the officer and then looks at his wife and shouts back "He says he thinks he knows you!"
Terrorists
A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC.
Cars were at a stand still. Nothing was moving.
Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $200 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, collecting donations."
"How much is everyone else giving, on average?" the driver asks.
The man replies, "Eh, Roughly a gallon."
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