But until I catch one, I'm just going to be sitting here, holding my rod.
Thứ Sáu, 24 tháng 11, 2017
Once there was this judge who just sentenced a man
The man asked the judge,
“Hypothetically, what would happen if I called you a motherfucker?”
The judge answered “If you were to call me a motherfucker, then I would sentence you for contempt to the court and you would spend the night in jail”
“Alright, said the man, but what if I was just thinking it?”
“I have no authority on what’s in your head. You’re free to think whatever you please.”
“In that case, your honor, I think that you’re a motherfucker.”
(Slightly NSFW) Man says to his wife that he is going golfing. She gets upset because she thought they would spend the day together.
Husband says to his wife that he is going golfing. She gets upset because she thought they would spend the day together.
Husband: "honey just give me the day I need to relieve some stress. Besides You don't even golf."
Wife: "I want to learn and besides it's something we can do together."
The husband begrudgingly accepts his wife request they go to the gold course. On the first tee the husband drives it 300 yards, dead center. The wife tries it and slices it right into a huge window of a huge house on the side of the course.
Husband says "ah shit. Ok let's go pay for this window
The couple arrives at the front door of the broken window house and rings the doorbell. A very well dressed man answers the door, "Yeees..?"
Husband: "Hi we're the ones that broke the window, are you the owner of the house?"
Well dressed man: "oh no I am only the butler. Master is on the other room, follow me.
The couple follows the butler through the massive entry and into a wondrous library. In the center of which sits the master, staying intently at a vase that was broken, quite clearly by the golf ball.
Husband: "oh I am so sorry. My wife, you see, is learning golf. She didnt mean to.."
The master interrupts in an understanding tone "haha oh its alright. You see I'm a genie and I was trapped in that case for the last several hundred years. But you released me by breaking it. As you know genies grant 3 wishes. But since you did break the window I will save the third for myself, leave 1 each for you both. Madame would you like to go first?"
Wife: "uh I want lots of money...."
"Done." Interrupts the master, " I'll also make it theft proof, fire proof, and infinite. Anytime you need money no matter the amount, it will be in your account."
Wife: "oh my goodness thank you so much!"
"You're turn", says the the master looking at the husband.
Husband: "I'd like a beautiful home in ever country."
Master: "and you shall have it. Complete with protection from all the elements and a staff to maintain it and look after you when you stay."
Husband: " Jesus! thank you so much!"
Master: "not a problem. As for my wish, well I have been trapped in that case for so long and all the while without a woman. I am sorry but my wish is to have sex with your beautiful wife."
Husband to wife: "I don't know honey. I mean he did give us all that money and houses. You know how I feel about cheating but this seems different."
Wife: "yeah I agree. I'm not thrilled about it but I get where he is coming from. Play well do it"
The Master is thrilled and wisks the wife upstairs where they have loud, wall banging sex for hours on end. Finally after all that time the master comes down in only his underwear and his unbuttoned dress shirt. He grabs a cup of water and drinks the whole thing. The master then asks the nearby husband, " if you dont mind me asking how old are you ans your wife?"
Husband: " well I'm 32 and she is 34, why do you ask?"
Master: "just curious as to how you guys still believe in genies.....
Thứ Năm, 23 tháng 11, 2017
A 94 year old man decided to divorce his 93 old wife...
They went to the lawyer together. When he asked why they were divorcing at such an old age, the woman replied, "We wanted to wait until the kids were dead".
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