A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates

A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates and announces his presence to St. Peter, who looks him up in his Big Book. Upon reading the entry for the cabby, St. Peter invites him to grab a silk robe and a golden staff and to proceed into Heaven.

A preacher is next in line behind the cabby and has been watching these proceedings with interest. He announces himself to St. Peter. Upon scanning the preacher's entry in the Big Book, St. Peter furrows his brow and says, "Okay, we'll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff." The preacher is astonished and replies, "But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabby."

St. Peter responded matter-of-factly: "Here we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabby drove his taxi, people prayed."

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On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me...

"If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you alive. When we're sleeping, you don't fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either."

"Fucking great." I thought, "First day in here and I'm already married."

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Two liars went for a swim.

Now these two were a dad and his son. The dad climbed a boulder and proceeded to dive into the water. He got his foot stuck between some rocks and struggled to release his feet for around 2 minutes before swimming back to the surface.

Son: You were under for quite a while there. What happened?

Dad: Oh! I found a nice diner down there and decided to stop for a cup of coffee!

Son: Yeah right. I bet there's a Starbucks down there too.

Dad: I'm not kidding! Dive down and see it for yourself.

The son then proceeded to dive from the same boulder, but with better technique. Due to this, he reached the bottom with quite some speed and his head collided with a rock that causes it to bleed. Dizzy, he takes some time to recover, then swims back to the surface.

Dad: Jesus! Why is your head bleeding?!

Son: I've stopped by the diner that you mentioned for some coffee myself. The owner hit me on the head with a fucking rock because your cheap ass didn't pay for the coffee!!

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Three friends - two straight guys and a gay guy - and their respective partners are on a cruise.

A tidal wave then came up and swamped the ship; they all drowned.

Next thing you know, they’re standing before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

First up came one of the straight guys and his wife.

St Peter shook his head sadly. “I’m sorry, I cannot let you in. You were too greedy. You loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny.”

Up next was the second straight guy and his wife. “I’m sorry, for I cannot let you in either. You were also greedy. You loved food too much. You loved to eat so much, you even married a woman named Candy!”

At this, the gay guy gulped and turned to his boyfriend, whispering nervously, “This doesn’t look good, Dick.”

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Why is the letter "C" afraid of the rest of the alphabet?

Because all the other letters are Not-Cs

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How my Husband and I Terrified a Taxi Driver

My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre.

Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our budgie we really didn't want to leave them un-chaperoned so my husband ran inside to retrieve her and put her in the back yard again.

Because I didn't want the taxi driver to know our house was going to be empty all evening, I explained to him that my husband would be out momentarily as he was just bidding goodnight to my mother. A few minutes later he got into the cab all hot and bothered, and said (to my growing horror and amusement) as the cab pulled away.

"Sorry it took so long but the stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and i had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so i grabbed her by the neck and wrapped her in a blanket so she wouldn't scratch me like she did last time. But it worked! I hauled her fat arse down the stairs and threw her into the backyard....she had better not shit in the vegetable garden again."

The silence in the taxi was deafening.....

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My wife is turning 32 soon..

I've told her not to get her hopes up for her birthday. "After all," I said, "The celebrations are only going to last half a minute."

"What are you talking about?" she asked.

I said, "It’s your thirty-second birthday!"

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