To the guy who's been tailgating me for the last half hour: Fuck you.

I'm already doing 20 mph over the speed limit.

 

Oh, and turn off those flashing lights on your roof, you look ridiculous.

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The other day, I saw a midget prisoner climbing down a wall.

About halfway down he turned and sneered at me, and I thought, "That's a little condescending."

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A woman walks into an ice cream shop and tries to order two scoops of chocolate ice cream

The man behind the counter says "Sorry, we don't have any left. The woman apologizes and says "Oh ok. In that case, I'll have a cone... with two scoops of chocolate ice cream." The man is confused and says "Lady, I just told you that we don't have chocolate anymore." The woman says "Damn, I am so sorry. I guess I forgot that. Ok so then in that case, I'll have just a cup... with two scoops of chocolate ice cream." The guy sighs and says again "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but we don't have chocolate at the moment. The woman says "Ohhhh right right right. Sorry. Then I guess I'll have a Sundae....with two scoops of chocolate ice cream." The man is furious at this woman's incompetence and says "Ok lady, answer me this. How do you spell the 'van' in vanilla?" The woman says "V-A-N" The man says "How do you spell the 'straw' in strawberries?" The woman says "S-T-R-A-W" Then the man says "So now how do you spell the 'fuck' in chocolate?" The woman is confused and says "There's no fuck in chocolate" "THATS WHAT IVE BEEN SAYING THIS WHOLE GODDAMN TIME"

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I made a joke about net neutrality

Americans didn't get it.

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A teacher asks her class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day".

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson. "And you, Susie? " the teacher asks.

Susie says "I wanna be Johnny's bitch."

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Inside Facebook's Two Years of Hell

Inside Facebook's Two Years of Hell
How a confused, defensive social media giant steered itself into a disaster, and how Mark Zuckerberg is trying to fix it all.

February 12, 2018 at 10:49PM
via Digg http://ift.tt/2BWdybn

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I like my women like I like my toasters,

Turned on, and in the tub with me

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