Little Johnny's dad told his teacher that he has a nasty gambling habit...

and he says "Hey, Dad! I'll bet you $5 there's some dogs humping just around this corner!" Dad considers how likely it would be, and says "You're on, kid!" Once they get to the corner, they see the dogs going at it and Dad pays up. So Dad calls Johnnys teacher. "Hey, my kid has this nasty gambling habit, but I can't break him of it because he never loses! Can you help?" The teacher replies "I'll do what I can" Next day, Johnny enters the classroom. "Hey teacher! I'll bet you $5 I can guess what color panties you have on!" The teacher demurely declines. All week, Johnny is pestering her about betting on the color of her panties. On Friday, Johnny repeats the bet. "Hey teacher! I'll bet you $5 I can guess what color panties you have on!" She says "You're on!" and lifts her dress to reveal she isn't wearing any panties at all! Johnny pays the money, with much grumbling. The teacher ecstatically calls his father. "Great news! I made little Johnny lose a bet!" The father is astounded. "How'd you do that?" he asks. "Well, Johnny's been bothering me all week about the color of my panties, and today I didn't wear any, so he lost the bet!" A long string of curses comes over the phone. Teacher asks "What's wrong? Didn't I do it right?" Dad answers "Just this morning he bet me $50 he'd see your pussy before the day was out!"

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Three Russian men are in the gulag talking with each other.

They get to talking about why there were sent to the gulag.

“I was sent here for coming early to work in the factory. I was accused of trying to put myself ahead of my fellow worker.” The first one said.

“Aye comrad I was sent for being late to work at the factory. I was accused of delaying the revolution. “ the second commiserated.

“Well I was on time to work and I was still sent here.” The third said.

“Why?” They ask.

“I was accused of owning a western watch!”

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I own a pencil that used to be owned by William Shakespeare, but he chewed it a lot

Now I can’t tell if it’s 2B or not 2B

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Google and Uber Went to War Over Almost Nothing Because They Think the Race for Self-Driving Cars Is About Everything

Google and Uber Went to War Over Almost Nothing Because They Think the Race for Self-Driving Cars Is About Everything
The two companies think the race for self-driving cars is everything, and the key to winning is having the best tech possible.

February 13, 2018 at 08:11AM
via Digg http://ift.tt/2CgSdVA

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I finally got someone to be my valentine!

I wish I could post this in any other sub.

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Superman has been trying to get wonder woman to sleep with him for years

But no matter how hard he tries, she just won't pay attention to him.

One day he's flying around and sees wonder woman laying on her back, in an open field, no underwear or pants on for the whole world to see. Confused, superman flies overhead and scans the area, but doesn't see another soul for miles around.

"I wonder what she's doing all the way out here by herself laying naked in a field?"

But then superman had a dark thought

"I'm faster than a speeding bullet. I could swoop down, have sex with her, and be gone by the time she realizes what's happening"

So there wonder woman is laying in the field and she hears a loud CRACK and a sudden blur appears in front of her, vanishing as quickly as it came.

"What was that?" she says

"I don't know," the invisible man says, "but my ass sure hurts"

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What do snowmen eat for breakfast?

Snowflakes.

Credit: my friend's 3-year-old made this up. I'll pass on any karma to his college fund.

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