I just installed it and now all the horny single women in my area have lost interest in me.
Thứ Sáu, 23 tháng 3, 2018
An old German man walks into a confession booth
He tells the priest on the other side, 'Father, forgive me, for I have sinned'.
The priest says, 'God forgives all, my son. Tell me, what sin have you committed?'
The old man continues; 'Well, it was 1941, during the war, and there was this Jewish girl whose entire family had been deported. She begged me to let her hide in my house and I said yes, but only if she repaid me with sexual favours'.
The priest nodded thoughtfully, and replied; 'Well, what you did was certainly lustful, but you did a greater act of good by sheltering the persecuted in your home. God will surely forgive you for that.'
'Thank you, father' replied the old man, and as he was about to leave, he said; 'Oh, father?'
'Yes, my son?'
'Do I have to tell her the war's over?'
Jesus is wandering around Heaven, surveying all the saved souls...
...when he spots an old man in the corner, crying.
Jesus approaches the man: "Hey you! This is Heaven! You can't be sad here! This is the ultimate prize! People go to church every day of their lives to end up here! Stop crying, you should be happy to have gotten in!"
The old man composes himself, wipes the tears from his eyes and says to Jesus, "I'm sorry". Jesus thinks that maybe he's been a bit too harsh and asks the man "Why are you so sad?"
The man explains, "Many years ago, before I got here, I was a poor carpenter, we didn't have much. My son wasn't even born in a proper hospital! I had hoped my son would follow me into the carpentry trade but..."
Naturally, this strikes a chord with Jesus. "Well what happened to your son?" he asks.
"Well, one day my son had to go on a big adventure! He was gone, and I never saw him again. The reason I'm crying is that I had hoped to reunite with him here!"
Now it is Jesus who is crying. Tears streaming down his face, he can't quite believe who he's talking to. He holds up his hands and ventures "And did your son have holes in his hands like these?"
The old man is overwhelmed with joy: "I don't believe it! Is it really you?"
"My father!" cries Jesus.
"My Pinocchio!" cries the man.
A patient talks to his therapist after a suicide attempt
"So Greg, I've been informed that you attempted suicide the other day. Is this correct?" asks the therapist.
"Yes, it is unfortunately true. My wife decided to divorce me and the kids chose to live with her, it struck me hard man." said Greg.
"I know this is gonna be hard for you to do, but could you please explain what exactly happened during your suicide attempt and what stopped you?" the therapist asks.
"Well I drove up to this cliff with the door locked and sat for 'bout a minute contemplating whether to just drive off and end it all. Luckily there were a dozen people who really didn't want me to give up just yet, and caused me not to." said Greg.
"Sound like extraordinary people, who exactly were they?" the therapist responds.
"The people in the back of the bus." Greg answers.
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