A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN.

The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant. And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

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Husband: I have cheated once

Husband: I have cheated once Wife: me too. husband: 1st of Apriii.... Wife: 18th of June

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A man goes to a funeral and asks the widow:

"Mind if I say a word?"

She says: "Please do."

The man clears his throat and says: "Plethora."

The widow replies: "Thanks, that means a lot."

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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, orders a drink and while he’s drinking it, the monkey jumps around all over, grabs some olives off the bar, eats them, grabs some sliced limes, eats them, jumps up on the pool table, grabs a cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole...

The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”

The guy says, “No, what?”

“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!” says the bartender.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight. I’ll pay for the cue ball and stuff.”

He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.

Two weeks later he’s in the bar again and he has his monkey with him.

He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar.

He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted.

“Did you see what your monkey did now?”, he asks.

“Now what?”, responds the patron.

“Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!” says the barkeeper.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!”

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Don’t you hate it when people ask you a question just so they can answer it themselves?

Because I do

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Two girls walk into a pub.

After a little while, the barman notices that the older one is actually transexual.

The transexual walks up to the bar and says in a deepish voice, "One chardonnay and a large guimess for my sis please."

She takes the drinks back to the table and they drink them up. A few rounds later... suddenly the power goes out and sparks fly out from behind the bar.

"QUICK, WE NEED TO REDUCE THE POWER IN THIS CIRCUIT BEFORE IT BLOWS!" Shouts the barman.

The sister jumps over the bar and before anyone could stop her, she plunges three fingers into the sparking fuse box.

The power returns and the situation is stable. The barman absolutely mind blown asks, "H... How... are you doing this and not dead right now!? Is it something to do with all the guiness you just drank?"

"No, not at all", replies the girl, "I'm just a trans sister"

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Trump Attacks Jerry Brown, Jeff Bezos, Then Hits The Links

Trump Attacks Jerry Brown, Jeff Bezos, Then Hits The Links
President Trump blasted California Gov. Jerry Brown for using his pardon powers as part of a series of pre-Easter twitter attacks.

April 1, 2018 at 01:01AM
via Digg https://ift.tt/2uxBT4s

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