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Thứ Hai, 9 tháng 4, 2018

0 to 200 in 6 seconds

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

The most German joke I know (source: am German): Why are there so few crimes in Germany?

Because its illegal.

I don't know why Marvel hasn't tried to put advertisements on the Hulk

He's essentially a giant banner

A man walks into a pet store

He tells the attendant that he is chasing something a little different, “everyone has dogs and cats and birds and fish, I want something different”

The attendant says “I’ve got just the thing, here, we have a talking centipede”

“Perfect says the man, that sounds great ill take one of those”

He gets the centipede home and says “Mr. Centipede, would you like to go down the pub and have a couple of beers?”

The man gets no response. Maybe he is a little shaken up from the ride home he thinks. I’ll give him 10 mins and ask again.

10 mins later the man says “Would you like head down the pub for a beer?

Again no response. The man thinks to himself. I’ll give him another 15mins and if he doesn’t reply I’m taking him back.

15 mins later the man says to the centipede “mate, do you want to go down the pub for a beer or not?!”

The centipede replies “I’m putting my shoes on you impatient bastard!”

Why Self-Driving Cars Will Never Be 'Ready'


Why Self-Driving Cars Will Never Be 'Ready'
The vehicles will need updates — forever.

April 9, 2018 at 03:39AM
via Digg https://ift.tt/2qhwxER

A flight is on its way to Sydney when a blonde in economy gets up, moves to the first class section and sits down

The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket.

She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here”.

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class, that belongs in economy, and won’t move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.

The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here”.

The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won’t listen to reason.

The pilot says, “You say she is a blonde? I’ll handle this, I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde”.

He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, “Oh, I’m sorry” and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

I told her, “First class isn’t going to Sydney “

A married man and his secretary were having an affair...

One afternoon they couldn't control their lustful triggers and they hurried over to her place where they spent the afternoon making passionate steamy sex. Post the two hour long marathon sex they got so tired that they fell asleep only to wake up at 8 o'clock. Realizing that it had gotten very late, the man rushed to freshen up. As he went, the man bizarrely told his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them on the lawn while he freshened and dressed up. As surprised as she was, she did as she was asked, clueless all along as the man hadn't spent a moment explaining stuff. The man finally got home and his wife met him at the door looking clearly upset. In an angry tone, she asked where he'd been for being a full 3 hours late.

The man replied, "I cannot tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair. Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the afternoon making love, and then fell asleep. That's why I'm late".

The wife looked at him, took notice of his shoes and went, "I can see those grass stains on your shoes. YOU DAMN LIAR! You've been playing golf again, haven't you?