An atheist was taking a walk...

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the evolution had created. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing.

He ran even faster, so scared that tears were coming to his eyes. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...."

Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don't exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice. The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped his right paw ..... brought both paws together...bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful...AMEN!"

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The maid asked her boss, the wife for a raise, and the wife was upset.

The wife asked, "Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"

Helen: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said that?"

Helen: "Your husband."

Wife: "Oh."

Helen: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Who said that?"

Helen: "Your husband."

Wife: "Oh."

Helen: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you."

Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?"

Helen: "No, the gardener did."

Wife: "So, how much do you want?"

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A Shark and his Son

A shark and his son are swimming around in the water when they see some scuba divers. The young shark says to his father, " let's go eat them".

The father tells his son, " this is not the way of sharks. First we swim around them three times, then we eat them"

The son asks, " why do we swim around them three times first."

The father retorts "Because humans taste alot better without the shit in them"

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Do not shampoo in the shower

I don't know why I didn't figure this out sooner. I used shampoo in the shower and when we wash our hair the shampoo runs down our whole body. Printed clearly on the shampoo label is the warning,

"For extra body and volume."

No wonder I have been gaining weight. I got rid of shampoos and start using dish washing liquid. Its label reads

"Dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove."

Follow this and stay slim and trim forever.

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How To Ask for A Raise

EMPLOYEE: Excuse me, sir, may I talk with you?

BOSS: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?

EMPLOYEE: Well, sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over 10 years.

BOSS: Yes...

EMPLOYEE: I won’t beat around the bush, sir. I would like a raise. I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first.

BOSS: A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time.

EMPLOYEE: I understand your position, and I know that the current economic downturn has had a negative impact on sales. However, you should also take into consideration my hard work, attention to detail, and loyalty to this company for over a decade.

BOSS: Well, I don't want us to lose a great employee. How about I offer you a 10% raise and an extra five days of vacation time? How does that sound?

EMPLOYEE: Great!! It’s a deal. Thank you, sir!

BOSS: Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies are after you?

EMPLOYEE: Oh, the Electric Company, the Gas Company, the Water Company, and the Mortgage Company.

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The Soviet Army is marching in Finland...

They hear a voice from the other side of a hill: "One Finnish soldier is better than ten Soviet soldiers!" The Soviet general sends ten soldiers. There is some gunfire then everything is quiet again. The voice then says, "one Finnish soldier is better than one hundred Soviet soldiers!" The Soviet general sends one hundred Soviet soldiers. There is more gunfire and then silence. The voice speaks up again and says one Finnish soldier is better than one thousand Soviet soldiers. The Soviet general then sends one thousand Soviet soldiers. There is a lot of gunfire and then silence. After awhile a Soviet soldier crawls over the hill and says to the general, "do not send more troops, it's a trap, there are two Finnish soldiers!"

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Proof that 9/11 wasn't a government plot:

It worked.

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