There was an accident at the toll booth

The driver of a huge trailer lost control of his rig, and plowed into an empty toll booth, smashing it to pieces.

Some time after the driver had reported the damage, he watched as a repair truck pulled up and discharged a crew of workers. They picked up each broken piece of the wreckage and spread a creamy substance on it. Then they began fitting the pieces together.

In less than a half hour, they had the entire tollbooth reconstructed and looking good as new. "Astonishing!" said the truck driver to the crew chief. "What was the white stuff you used to stick all the pieces together?"

"Oh, that was tollgate booth paste."

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NASA officials were interviewing three prospective astronauts to sent to Mars on a dangerous one-way trip

Only one of the three would go, and that candidate would never return to Earth. The interviewer asked the first candidate, an engineer, how much he wanted to be paid to go.

"One million dollars," replied the engineer, "and I want it donated to my alma mater, Rice University."

The interviewer asked the next candidate the same question.

"Two million dollars," answered the doctor, "and I want to give one million to my family and leave the other million to medical research."

The third candidate, a lawyer, was asked the same question.

"Three million dollars!" replied the lawyer.

"Why so much?" the interviewer inquired.

The lawyer replied, "If you give me three million, I'll keep a million, give you a million, and we'll send the engineer."

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Why is it wrong to bully people in wheel chair?

Because they can't stand up for themselves.

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A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church

The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couple agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor asked them, "Well, were you able to get through the two weeks without being intimate?" "Pastor, I'm afraid we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied. "What happened?" inquired the pastor. "My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there." "You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor. "That's okay," said the young man. "We're not welcome at the grocery store anymore either."

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How much do you drink?

A couple is sitting on their front porch, enjoying the overdue warm weather, when the wife turns to her husband and asks, "Honey, how much do you drink?"

The husband replies "Well I'd say an average of 3 beers a day."

She continues, "And how much do you spend?"

"I guess including the tip it's $5 per."

She then asks, "How long have you been drinking?"

"Oh it's got to be about 20 years now."

She ponders for a moment, then says, "Ok, so 15 times 365 times 20 is $109,500. You could have bought a plane by now if you'd never drank!"

Slightly annoyed at this, the husband remains silent for several moments, before asking, "My darling, how much do you drink?"

Baffled, the wife responds, "You know I don't drink!"

"Then where the fuck is your plane?"

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Pablo Escobar was being informed on by local children. Mortally wounded by police gunfire, his last words to them were:

"I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you Medellín kids"

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Three blonds are out walking in the Forest when they come across a set of tracks

“Those are deer tracks!” Said the first.

“No! They’re antelope tracks!” Said the second

“Oh no... they are definitely bear tracks!”said the third.

They were still arguing when the train hit them.

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