Why do french tanks have rear view mirrors?

To see the battlefield

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Today, when my son asked, "Can I have a book mark?" I burst into tears...

11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Dave...

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I asked the waitress for a quickie and she slapped me.

The old woman next to me said, "It's pronounced 'quiche', dear."

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Just invented a new drink. Vodka, cranberry juice, lime, and rohypnol.

Its called the Cosbypolitan

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The Beer Festival

After a Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, "I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers,' a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." The bartender hands it over.

The guy from Guiness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Guiness?" The Guiness resident replies "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."

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One day there were three vampires bragging about their strength and power to each other.

The first vampire said, "look at my skill" and poof he's gone in a blink of an eye. He comes back with his mouth covered in blood and says, "see that village over there? I have sucked dry all of the villagers' blood".

The second vampire was impressed but didn't want to seem inferior. Poof He's gone in a split second. He returns, mouth covered in blood and says, "see that town over there? I have sucked the townspeople's blood down to the last drop".

The last vampire also wants to show off his skill. Poof he's gone at the speed of light. He comes back, his entire face covered in blood. The first to vampires are in awe! The last vampire says, "see that lamp post over there?" The first two vampires eagerly nod, impatient to hear of his feat. The last vampire continues, "well fuck, I sure didn't see it."

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A guy is late for an important meeting.

But he can't find a place to park. In desperation, he begins to pray. "Please Lord, if you help me find a parking stall right now, I promise to go to church every Sunday and never drink vodka again!" A moment later, he sees a beautiful empty spot right next to the entrance. "Never mind. Found one!"

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