A guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman.

After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She yells, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"

Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.

Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.

She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you.

You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200!?!"

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You order one pizza

You love it.

Next time you order a pizza and a garlic bread.

Before you know it, your eating pizzas for every meal, and you get withdrawal symptoms if you don't get one.

That's the domino effect.

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(My Dad told me this one) So two eight-year-olds wake up one morning, deciding they're old enough to cuss...

So their mama calls them down for breakfast, and asks, "Little Johnny, what do you want for breakfast?"

And Little Johnny says: "Alright, bitch, I'm thinking I want a motherfucking biscuit!" And mama backhands Little Johnny hard as she could, knocking him to the floor. She kneels down and looks at Little Jimmy, asking: "And just what do you want for breakfast, Jimmy?"

And Jimmy says: "Well, I sure as fuck don't want no God-damn biscuit!"

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I lent my umbrella to a hot girl yesterday.

That takes the number of girls i've made wet this year to -1

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How do you know that a sniper likes you?

He misses you.

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My dad told me I was listening to way too much Korean Music.

I told him, "K pop"

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My wife said, "Are you ashamed to walk with me?"

I said, "Why are you shouting?"

She said, "Because you're on the other fucking side of the road."

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