(My Dad told me this one) So two eight-year-olds wake up one morning, deciding they're old enough to cuss...

So their mama calls them down for breakfast, and asks, "Little Johnny, what do you want for breakfast?"

And Little Johnny says: "Alright, bitch, I'm thinking I want a motherfucking biscuit!" And mama backhands Little Johnny hard as she could, knocking him to the floor. She kneels down and looks at Little Jimmy, asking: "And just what do you want for breakfast, Jimmy?"

And Jimmy says: "Well, I sure as fuck don't want no God-damn biscuit!"

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I lent my umbrella to a hot girl yesterday.

That takes the number of girls i've made wet this year to -1

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How do you know that a sniper likes you?

He misses you.

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My dad told me I was listening to way too much Korean Music.

I told him, "K pop"

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My wife said, "Are you ashamed to walk with me?"

I said, "Why are you shouting?"

She said, "Because you're on the other fucking side of the road."

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My friend can't afford to pay his water bill anymore...

...so I sent him a card, "Get well soon."

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My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah's Witness so he wouldn't arouse suspicion.

He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.

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