300 lb man decides to lose weight one day.

A 300 lb man decides he is tired of being so fat and wants to lose weight. So he gets on the Internet and finds a program that claims you can lose 10lbs in 2 weeks or your money back.

So he orders the program, and the very next day there is a knock on his door. He opens it up and there is a beautiful women standing there wearing lingerie. She hands him a card and starts running.

He reads the card and it says... “Hi there, I am your personal trainer. If you can catch me you can do whatever you want to me for the remainder of the two weeks”

He drops the card and start chasing her. Two weeks go by and he does not even come close to catching her. But he is happy that he lost 10 lbs. Being pleased with this he signs up for another program, which is to lose 20lbs in two weeks.

Same as last time. There is a knock on the door and a beautiful women is there, but his time she is completely naked. She hands him the card and takes off. He reads it and it the same terms as last time. So he chases after her for the next two weeks, but once again fails at catching her. But once more he is please that he lost 20lbs and decides to sign up for the lose 50lbs in two week program.

The very next day there is a knock at the door. He opens it, and there stands Richard Simmons who hands him a card. He looks at the card and it reads...” if I catch you, you are mine.

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My favorite joke my dad’s told me to date

Two men, were interviewing for a management-level position at a prestigious company, and had made it to the final phase of the process. They were going to be interviewed by the CEO to see who was best for the job.

One of the men was a Harvard grad who had a degree in economics and a history of white collar jobs. The other was a blue-collar man who’d worked the factory floor and knew what it was like to do all of the labor he would be managing.

The CEO had a very difficult choice. In order to decide he told the two men to each write a poem. The two conditions were that they had to write it in thirty seconds, and they had to use the word “Timbuktu”.

Thinking that he could beat any stupid cowboy, the Harvard grad went first. After thinking for about a minute, he came up with the following:

“Slowly across the desert sand Trekked the dusty caravan. Men on camels, two by two Destination -- Timbuktu.” The CEO was fairly pleased, and doubted the cowboy could top that, but he gave him a shot regardless. As his time passed, the cowboy sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited:

“Tim and me, a-huntin' went. Met three whores in a pop-up tent. They was three, we was two, So I bucked one and Timbuktu”

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Yesterday, my wife told me she has breast cancer

“Honey,” she said, “there’s a couple things I need to get off my chest.”

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A student receives a bad grade on his exam

And he goes to talk to the teacher, convinced that he's been graded unfairly.

He says to the teacher "I think I deserve some points on these questions, even if my answers weren't entirely correct!"

The teacher sighs and says "ok, I'll take another look at your exam".

The student comes home, and his mother asks him "so how did the exam go?". He replies: "the teacher thought it was remarkable!'

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Donald Trump and Barack Obama’s ended up at the same barber

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn nasty. As the barbers finished their shaves in silence, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. But Donald was quick to stop him, jokingly saying, "No thanks. My wife, Melania, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel." The second barber turned to Barack and said, "How about you, Mr. Obama?" Barack replied, "Go right ahead, my wife Michelle doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like."

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One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:

"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"

The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place."

"That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!"

So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.

But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.

The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says :

 "Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me."

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A young Mexican man named Jose was curious about America so he snuck across the border

He wanted to go see a baseball game so when he went home, he could tell his family all about it. When he got there, the game was sold out, so he decided to climb to the top of a flag pole to get a better look. When he returned home, his family was anxious to hear about his experience:

"What happened?" asked his family.

"Well, America is the nicest place in the world!!" he said. "Before the game started, all the people in the stands and all the players stood up, looked at me and said, "Jose, can you see?"

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