Because there's a new issue with you every fucking day
Chủ Nhật, 29 tháng 7, 2018
A cop on a horse is talking to a little girl on a bike...
The cop asks the girl "did santa get you that?"
"Yes" the little girl replies
"Well next time tell him to put a reflector light on it" and the cop fines her £5
The girl, startled, replies "did santa get you that" and points at the horse
"He sure did" replied the cop, laughing
"Well tell him next time the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top of it"
A farmer is selling produce when a woman walks up to him and asks for some onions.
"Sorry, but we don't have onions here. How about some broccoli or peas?" he suggests.
The woman thinks about it for a moment, then says, "nah, do you have some onions instead?"
The farmer, slightly pissed off, says,"I already told you. We don't carry onions. What about some eggplants or mushrooms?"
Again, she thinks for a moment, then says: "nah, I'd just like some onions."
The farmer is now very angry. "Let's play a game," he says. "How do you spell 'carrot' without 'c'?"
The woman says, "Arrot."
"Good, and how do you spell 'lettuce' without 'l'?"
"Ettuce."
"Now how do you spell 'onions' without 'fuck'?"
The woman is confused. "But there is no 'fuck' in onions?"
"EXACTLY! THERE ARE NO FUCKING ONIONS!"
Thứ Bảy, 28 tháng 7, 2018
Little Bobby goes to confession
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been reposting to /r/jokes."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Bobby?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And what joke was it that you reposted?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to spoil the joke for you."
"Well, Bobby, I'm sure to read it sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it 'deaf wife' or maybe one of the milder, such as 'monk doors', 'Sam, the singing monk' or 'the infinite mathematicians'?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it 'man helped girl in alley', 'flipped golf cart', 'golf genie', 'lawyer present' or 'squeezed balls'?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it 'parrot on a ship', 'parrot in freezer' or perhaps even 'parrot from brothel'?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot."
"Was it perhaps a pun? Like 'square root of -100', 'monocles in a bar', 'hungry whales' or 'pulling my leg'?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it 'lion and dog', then? Or did you repost 'epileptic bath', 'Sahara lumberjack'? Don't tell me you reposted 'Dave'!"
"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."
"If it was one of the dirtier jokes, like 'thumb condom', 'upvote anal', 'old timer outside sex', or 'diagnostic computer', you should tell me now."
"Father, I will not give you more than this."
The priest sighs in frustration. "If it's not any of them, it's still new to me. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Bobby walks back to his pew, and his friend Johnny slides over and whispers, "Well what'd you get?"
Bobby says "Four months vacation and a lot of material."
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