Three guys are knocking on heavens door. (Sorry for my english)

After a few minutes Petrus comes, wearing his cozy pyjamas, saying: "Guys its late, i need to get some rest, we are closed for today."
"Ehm Petrus", one man replied, "we are kinda dead so please open the door."
Petrus sighs. "Ok, each one of you tells me the story of his death, and if its funny, you can come in."

So the first man begins.
"You see Petrus, i am married for 10 years now but lately i had the feeling that my wife is cheating on me. I usually work until 7pm but today i went home early to ckeck on my wife. When i was home i even took the stairs to the 6th floor so my wife couldnt hear the elevator. I opened the door and ran in the bedroom, seeing my wife naked on the bad. She has never done that for me ever. So i checked everywhere but noone was in our appartment. I cant tell you how pissed i was. So i went on the balcony to smoke a cigarette and what did i see? Some idiot hanging on my balcony. So i instantly started to step on his fingers until he finally fell. But this asshead was so lucky that he landed in a big tree in our garden and survived. So i took the fridge from our balcony and threw it over the balustrade. Unfortunatly the power cable was wrapped around my ankle and well, now im here."

Petrus chuckles. "Thats a good story. You can come in. Whos next?"

So the second guys begins. "You know, im a window cleaner. Today i worked in the 7th floor of a huge building cleaning the windows from outside. After i was done i wanted to check on my work, took a step back, slipped and fell. Fortunatly i was able to hold tight to a balcony on the 6th floor. I just wanted to pull myself up when some idiot came on the balcony and started to step on my fingers. So i fell again. But this time i landed in a big tree. I couldnt believe that i was still alive when i saw a fridge falling down on me. And now im here.

Petrus is laughing. "Good story you can come in aswell. And now the last story please"

The last man hesitates. "Well Petrus, i dont know how to say this but, you see, i was crouching naked in a fridge...

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Use any units you'd like (actually happened in a class of mine)

Professor: Anyone want to guess the Earth's magnetic field strength? Use any units you'd like.

Student: raises hand

Professor: Yes?

Student: 1 Earth

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Told a girl she looks better without her glasses on.

She said I also look better without her glasses on.

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A girl is dared by a boy to climb the school flagpole.

She bets him five dollars that she can and he agrees. She climbs all the way to the top and gets her five bucks.

She tells her mom after school, feeling proud of her accomplishment.

“Oh honey, he just wanted you to climb the pole so he could see your underwear.” She says, shaking her head.

A little wiser she returns to school the next day. This time the boy offers her ten dollars to climb the pole. She thinks this is a pretty good racket so she does.

Again after school she tells her mom who is this time a little upset.

“But sweetie remember what I said last time, he’s just trying to see your underwear.”

The girl grins slyly and responds “I know, that’s why I didn’t wear any underwear.”

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Three Aliens are discussing the fate of earth.

After a successful invasion of earth, the leaders of the armada joined together to discuss the ruling of the planet. Each of the leaders had a different idea on how what they should do with the surviving humans.

"These humans are dangerous," said the first. "We all know the losses we took to subjugate them. We need to kill the rest before they kill more of us!"

"Our losses are precisely why we can't kill them all," said the second. "The cost of this invasion was more than any of us could have predicted! We need to enslave them! Have them harvest their own planet for us so we can recoup our losses."

Yet a third had another idea. "We could transport them back home and sell them to the zoos! People would pay dearly to see these them".

The first two vetoed the third. Shipping that number of people half way across the galaxy was too much, they must stay where they were, dead or alive.

This went on for several months with neither of the three able to convince the two. A compromise was finally reached - the humans would be enslaved, but public executions would take place first, to keep them in line. Some few would be taken home and sold to the zoos.

The alien leaders flew down to earth and arrived at the first of the compounds where the humans were being kept. They announced their plan to enslave the humans. As was expected, there was anger from the crowd. Several started shouting and making obscene gestures. Those were pointed out to the alien guards and brought to the front were they were executed in the most horrific way.

They flew to another camp and the process was repeated. Several humans raised their hands and haves them in obscene ways and those were executed, the rest enslaved.

They visited several camps and finally reached the last one, their task almost complete. They announced the plan one last time and again the humans raised their hands in anger. The alien leaders pointed them out one at a time.

"What's that one doing," said the first alien. "He isn't shaking his fist list the others."

"It almost looks like he's waving," said the second Alien.

"Let me see," said the third Alien. "Wow! I don't believe it."

"What?" Asked the second Alien.

"It's Dave!"

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At first, my girlfriend didn't want to get a brain transplant

then I changed her mind

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A Drill Sergeant walks into a Whore House (NSFW)

A Drill Sergeant walks into a Whore House and asks for a companion for the evening and a lady joins him upstairs in a room.

She starts getting undressed and he decides to show her a trick. The Drill Sergeant says, "Wait, watch this, I wanna show you a trick."

He takes off his uniform and hangs it up then says in his most commanding voice, "Dick! ATTENCH-HUN!" and instantly, his dick is hard as a rock.

The whore claps and gets excited, asking, "Ooh! Can you do it the other way, too?"

"Dick! AT EASE!" and instantly, he's soft again. She claps and says, no way, I totally don't believe it. Do it again.

So he does it again, "Dick! ATTENCH-HUN!" and he's hard as a rock again.

She's excited at this point, clapping again. He takes a step toward her, to get down to business, and she stops him. "No, no, make it soft again, that's a neat trick!"

He looks at her a little weird, but does it: "Dick! AT EASE!" and instantly, he's soft again.

She claps again like it's the coolest thing she's ever seen. She tells him, "Wait right here, I'll be right back." and leaves the room.

A couple of minutes later, she returns with about 9 of her scantily clad friends, some completely naked, some partially clothed in negligee's and others just in a bra and panties. She tells him, "OK, do it again, so they can all see."

"Dick! ATTENCH-HUN!" and instantly, his dick is hard as a rock again. "Ok, who wants some of this?"

The girls all giggle and the first one says, "Now show 'em the other way, too!"

"Dick! AT EASE!"

"AT EASE!"

"AT EASE!"

He then turns and starts furiously jacking it like it owes him money.

The scantily clad girls ask, "OMG, what are you doing!? We can take care of that for you!"

The Drill Sergeant says, "I'm giving him a dishonorable discharge, ma'am."

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