A gamer walks into a bar...

...and asks the barkeep "you got a console to play on?" And the barkeep says "yeah, but only have one game for it." The gamer shrugs, orders a cider and sits down to play.

While he's playing another guy walks in and says "hey, that guy with the cider is playing my game!" And the barkeep asks "oh did you want a turn?" And he says "no, I mean I'm the developer, I made the game." So the barkeep says "oh shit, have a free beer then." So the developer takes the beer and sits next to the gamer to watch him play.

Then a third guy walks in and says to the barkeep "oh shit, that guy with the beer is a famous developer!" And runs over, kneels in front of the dev, and puts his dick in his mouth and just goes to town deepthroating it.

Then the guy sucking on the dick turns to the gamer and tries to talk to him with the dick in his mouth. This distracts the gamer and he dies.

Enraged, he asks "why the fuck were you distracting me?" And the guy takes the dick out of his mouth and says "I was trying to tell you my review of the game." So the gamer asks "why would you try to review a game with the dev's dick in your mouth?"

"Because I work for IGN."

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When you're trying to slingshot around Jupiter but you run out of fuel and end up on a collision course with one of Jupiter's moons...

Europa creek with no paddle.

I hope someone smiles at this dumb space joke.

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Husband is walking behind his wife and says, "Your bottom is getting so big it looks like an old washing machine."

The woman keeps quiet and keeps walking. Bedtime comes around, the husband starts getting amorous. Wife says: "I'm not starting the old washing machine for such a small load. You'll have to do it by hand!"

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A man in an unhappy marriage has an attractive secretary

One day, the sexual tension between him and his secretary gets to be too much to bear, and in the middle of the work day they rush out in secret, grab a hotel, and fuck all afternoon. The sex was so good that both of them pass out. When the man wakes up, he realizes it's 7:00 pm, and he's late for dinner.

Realizing that his wife is going to be very angry at him and demand to know where he's been, he decides to take his shoes and run them through the grass outside as much as he can. After his shoes get good and scuffed with grass, he drives home.

His wife, predictably, is there waiting for him, and madder than the fire of a thousand suns. His food is on the table, already cold. She is holding a frying pan, and demands to know where he was.

"Honey," he said. "I'm not going to lie to you. I was having sex with my secretary all afternoon in a hotel. That is the unvarnished truth."

Suspicious, his wife looks him up and down. Then she notices the grass stains on his shoes.

"You lying sack of shit," she says. "You've been off playing golf, haven't you!"

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Saw a man standing on one leg at an ATM

I asked him what he was doing and he said he was checking his balance.

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A woman asks a man - "do you drink beer?"

Man: Yeah.

Woman: How many beers a day?

Man: Usually about 3.

Woman: How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00, including the tip.

Woman: And how long have you been drinking?

Man: About 20 years, I suppose.

Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 …correct?

Man: Correct.

Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

Man: Correct.

Woman: Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you drink beer?

Woman: No.

Man: What color is your Ferrari?

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Chinese takeout $20.00.. Gas to pick it up $10.00..

Getting home and realising they have forgotten one of your containers..

Riceless

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