In honor of tonight’s Lotto, one of my favorite jokes to tell.

A deeply religious man, whom I will call Dave, finds himself in dire financial trouble. He prays earnestly to his God to help him out of his predicament. "God, I'm about to lose my car. Please help me. Let me win the lottery." Lottery night comes, but sadly, Dave is not the winner.

Things go from bad to worse. Without a car to get to work, Dave loses his job. Without a job, his mortgage is foreclosed on, and he loses his home. Without a home, his wife leaves him, taking the kids. After each horrible step in the mounting crisis, he pleads with God to let him win the lottery, but he never does.

Finally, broke, hungry, living on the street, he tries again. "God, please, my life is a wreck. I have no car, no home, no family. Please let me win the lottery just this once so that I can turn my life around. I beg you."

Suddenly, a flash of light comes from the sky, and the voice of God echoes down from the heavens. "Dave, meet me halfway, buy a fucking ticket."

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The biggest, toughest American soldier in the platoon in Eastern Europe limps in, badly injured.

His Captain yells, "Good Lord Corporal! What happened to you?"

"Well Captain", he says, wiping blood from his face, "I was out on watch, and I looked across the road. And I saw this Russian soldier, real big bastard. And I looked at him, and he looked at me. So I started walking towards him, and he starting walking towards me. And we met in the middle of the road."

"And I said to him 'Putin is an evil, murdering, election cheating tyrant!"

"And he said to me, 'Trump is retarded, lying, spoiled rotten little baby!"

"While we were standing there shaking hands, we got hit by a truck."

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Two Jewish boys were in a concentration camp together...

During their time there they became like brothers and when the war ended, they decided that they should live together as such. Many years go by until one of them wins the lottery.

"I can't believe you won the lottery! What are you going to do with all that money?"

"First, I'll buy us a mansion! One with a long front driveway."

"Oh man, that sounds fantastic! What else?"

"Next, I'll fill the driveway with expensive cars! Any car we want will be ours!"

"This is so amazing, what else?"

"I'll have a little circular garden put in at the end of the driveway, just outside the front door, and we'll fill it with beautiful flowers!"

"That sounds wonderful! Is there anything else that you want?"

"Yeah, in the center of the garden we'll have a giant statue of hitler!"

"EXCUSE ME?! WHAT IN THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?! HOW ON EARTH COULD YOU EVEN POSSIBLY BEGIN TO CONSIDER PUTTING A STATUE OF THAT VILE EVIL MAN IN OUR YARD?!"

The first man pulls up his sleeve

"Well, where do you think I got the numbers?"

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iPhones Are Hard To Use

iPhones Are Hard To Use
I once wrote a user manual for a handheld engine-diagnostics module for Daewoo cars. I know "hard to use" when I see it. iPhones are hard to use.

October 23, 2018 at 09:15PM
via Digg https://ift.tt/2PQbK70

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Most people are shocked when they find out...

...how incompetent I am as an electrician.

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The wife asked if she could wear one of my wife beaters today...

I was like "Yeah, knock yourself out".

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A woman goes to buy a parrot, the prices are $200, $100 and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheep.

"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.

When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.

When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too.

When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"

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