Two men with Alzheimer's at the beach

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They're peckish and want some food.

The first man, Bob, says “Carl, do you want to buy us a couple of ice creams?”

Carl: Sure what do you want?

Bob: vanilla ice cream in a cone, a flake and chocolate sauce

Carl: Ok, I’ll be back now.

Carl walks off...

Bob: Now you will remember what I want?

Carl: Yes, vanilla ice cream in a cone, a flake and chocolate sauce.

Bob: Correct

Carl walks a little further...

Bob: Don’t forget now Carl

Carl: I won’t, vanilla ice cream in a cone, a flake and chocolate sauce

Carl is nearly at the ice cream van

Bob: Carl?!!! DON’T FORGET WHAT I WANT!!!! Carl: I WON’T, VANILLA ICE CREAM, CONE, FLAKE AND CHOCOLATE SAUCE...

A little while Carl walks back with 2 burgers.

Bob: Fucking hell Carl where’s my fries??!

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I call my wife Bambi. She thinks it's because she's cute with big brown eyes...

But in reality it's because I want someone to shoot her mother with a hunting rifle

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Poor old man...

“Poor Old fool,” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”

The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”

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Hunter...

Two hunters fly to Kenya, where they bag six gazelles. As the crew is loading the small plane to return, the pilot says the aircraft can take only four gazelles back.

“Last time, the pilot let us take all six, and he had the same plane as yours,” argues the first hunter.

Reluctantly, the pilot gives in and takes off. But the little plane is too heavy, and it goes down.

Climbing out of the wreckage, the second hunter turns to the other. “Any idea where we are?”

The first replies, “I’d say we’re pretty close to where we crashed last time.”

Edit: omg thank you guys so much for the 50 upvotes, never had this before!

ReEdit: OMFG you guys are so awesome, 100 upvotes i can'belive it. Thank you sooooo much!

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At a job interview I filled my glass of water until it overflowed a little

“Nervous.” Asked the interviewer.

“No, I always give 110%”

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A bus full of nuns falls off a cliff and they all die.

They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them:

"Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-file line."

And they do so. St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her

"Sister, have you ever touched a penis?"

The Sister Responds "Well... there was this one time... that I kinda sorta... touched one with the tip of my pinky finger..."

St. Peter says "Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted." and she does what she's told.

St. Peter now turns to the second nun and says "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?"

"Well.... There was this one time... that I held one for a moment..."

"Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted" and she does so. Now at this, there is a noise, a jostling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to cut in front of another! St. Peter sees this and asks the Nun "Sister Susan, what is this? There is no rush!"

Sister Susan responds "Well if I'm going to have to gargle this stuff, I'd rather do it before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!"

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My grief counsellor died the other day..

But he was so good I didn’t give a shit.

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