A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed.....

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes away a tear from his eye.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room.... "Why are you down here at this time of night!?"

The husband looks up from his drink, "It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met."

She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.

The husband continues, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 15," he said solemnly.

Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies.

The husband pauses....... The words were not coming easily.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, Either you marry my daughter or I will make sure you spend the next 20 years in prison?"

"I remember that, too" she replied softly...

He sighed as he wiped another tear away from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten out today."

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A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was really something special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right.” Passenger: "Wow, what a guy!"

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife."

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My penis was in the Guinness book of world records..

..until the police came and removed me from the library.

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What’s the difference between fine wine and fine women?

Fine wine doesn’t try and escape from my cellar.

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My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?" [NSFW]

He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park."

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I finally told my friend I have been sleeping with his mom...

I have been sleeping with my best friend's Mom now for many years. It has really torn me up as I am pretty sure he suspects it but is something we have never talked about. We have been really good friends now for 20+ years. I feel even worse because of how much he as looked up to me and how much I have helped him through. At this point there is no way I can break it off with his mother.

Finally I have decided to tell him over dinner and drinks and I invite his mother to come. I was holding her hand under the table the whole meal (since she sat on my side). We finish the food and I finally just come out ant say it: John, I have been sleeping with your mother for the past 20+ years, I don't want it to ruin our friendship.

John just looks at me for a solid minute and finally says: Jesus Dad I kind of figured that one out for myself!

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Four engineers get into a car. The car won't start.

The Mechanical engineer says: - "It's a broken starter". The Electrical engineer says: - "Dead battery". The Chemical engineer says: - "Impurities in the Gasoline" The IT engineer says: - "Hey guys, i have an idea how about we all get out of the car and get back in".

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