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Thứ Ba, 1 tháng 1, 2019

Superman had a huge crush on Wonder Woman...

He was always to scared to tell her, fearing it would ruin their work relationship. One day, he was using his X-ray vision to watch her in her apartment. He saw her put on music and start taking her clothes off. She sat down on her bed. She was getting in the romantic mood. She was squirming around, appearing as if she was having a sexual dream. Superman thought “She’s probably dreaming about me.” He said, “You know what, I’m faster than a speeding bullet, I could fly in, fuck her and fly out, and she wouldn’t know what happened!” So he did exactly that. He flew in quickly, did her and flew away. Wonder Woman says “What the hell was that?” And then the Invisible Man says “I don’t know, but my asshole is killing me!”

If you’re reading this, you’ve been in a coma for 10 years

We’re trying a new technique.

We don’t know where this message will end up in your dream, but we’re hoping we got through

PLEASE WAKE UP

I couldn't join the KKK, apparently my bloodline isn't pure enough

Turns out, my parents weren't even related.

Rosy and Sunday school

Rosy goes to Sunday school every week, but falls asleep every class!

One day, to “inadvertently” call her out on it, the teacher calls on Rosy and asks this question:

“Who created the universe as we know it to be?”

At this point, to just have a laugh, Rosy’s friend, Adam, sitting behind her, pokes her in the butt with a thumb tack!

Rosy wakes up in a frazzle, “GOD ALMIGHTY!”

The teacher says “yes, correct.”

Rosy, still confused after being rudely awoken, is asked another question: “What was the name of Gods son?”

Adam, giggling wildly to himself, pokes Rosy in the butt again!

Rosy screeches out “JESUS CHRIST!”

The teacher says “yes, correct.”

Finally, the teacher asks what she believes to be an impossible question: “What did Eve say to Adam after having their 43rd child?”

Adam, triumphantly, drives the thumbtack into Rosy’s backside yet again to then hear Rosy yell out

“Oh for fucks sake Adam, if you stick that thing in me one more time I’ll snap it in two!”

I asked my mom "How much is a couple?"

"2 or 3" she replied.

That probably explains why her marriage failed.

I asked my wife to dress up as my favorite Star Wars character for some sexy birthday fun.

I walked into the bedroom, and I was shocked!

"Honey, Jabba the Hut is not my favorite Star Wars character" I said.

"Fuck off" She shouted "I haven't got dressed you asshole!"

I saw a guy this morning injecting himself with brake fluid. Stunned, I asked him if he had lost his mind?!

He looked at me and said - It’s ok. I can stop anytime