A pregnant woman walks into a bank being robbed,

She tried to call the cops and got shot in the stomach three times. Luckily, all her children were safe.

15 years later, one of her daughters came up to her and said, "Mom, I was peeing and a bullet came out." So, she told her daughter the story.

Then, her other daughter walked into the room and she said, "Mom, I was peeing and a bullet came out." So, she told her daughter the story.

Finally, her son came in and she assumed she knew what he was going to say, "Let me guess, you were peeing and a bullet came out?"

The son replied, "No, what? I was masturbating and I shot the dog."

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A Kung Fu student asks his teacher,

“Master, why does my ability not improve? I’m always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers, “My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun, and their wings seeming like flames?”

“Yes, my master, I have.”

“And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?”

“Yes, my master, I have witnessed it.”

“And the moon, when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?”

“Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon.”

“That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training.”

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Just spent $300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn't include a driver

Can't believe I've spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it...

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How many optometrists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

1 or 2? 2 or 3?

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If having sex for money makes you a whore...

Then does having sex for free make you a non-profit whoreganisation?

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/u/username hates the hotel he is staying in and starts packing his stuff.

Username checks out.

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Three friends bragged about who has more sex...

Friend A said “You all have nothing on me. I go to the bar and bring home a woman every night. Not only that but I drive a corvette into work everyday and have a 8 inch penis. I have slept with more than 1,000 women”

Friend B said “Oh yeah? Well I’m the top gynecologist doctor at the most highly rated hospitals in the world. I make $800,000 a year, have patients and nurses who have sex with me every hour I’m at work. All the women compliment me on my 12 inch penis. I have slept with well over 5,000 women.”

Friend C said, “I have you all beat. I fucked over all the Redditers who were expecting a punchline to this joke.”

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