Therapist: tell me why
Me: screams
Thứ Hai, 27 tháng 5, 2019
My dad is 88 today. Here is one he used to tell all the time. Happy Birthday dad!
A farmer needed to castrate his bull.
After a search of many options including the local veternarians he decides to go with the guy with the cheapest price. The next day a man shows up with a briefcase and opens it and the farmer is surprised at what's inside. The fellow pulls two bricks from the case and explains that he will go to the rear of the bull and with one brick in his left hand and the other one in his right he will smash the bull's testicles by banging the bricks together. "Holy shit!" the farmer says "won't that hurt like hell?!!! "nah" the man says... "you just got to make sure you keep your thumbs on the outside"
Chủ Nhật, 26 tháng 5, 2019
Play Ball!
Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their lives. When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day. One day Barb said, “Rose, we both loved playing women’s softball all our lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s women’s softball up there.”
Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed and said, “Barb, you’ve been my best friend for many years. If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favor for you.” Shortly after that, Rose passed on.
A few nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, “Barb, Barb!”
“Who is it?”, asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. “Who is it?”
“Barb, it’s me…Rose.”
“You’re not Rose. Rose just died.”
“I’m telling you, it’s me, Rose,” insisted the voice.
“Rose! Where are you?”
“In Heaven,” replied Rose. “I have some really good news and a little bad news.”
“Tell me the good news first,” said Barb.
“The good news,” Rose said, “is that there’s softball in heaven. Better yet all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we’re all young again. Better still, it’s always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.”
“That’s fantastic,” said Barb “It’s beyond my wildest dreams! So what’s the bad news?”
“You’re pitching on Tuesday.”
I got chased by a mugger the other day trying to steal my wallet.
Halfway through the terrifying ordeal, I couldn't help but think to myself, "He's giving me a good run for my money.
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