My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.

It's my way or the Huawei.

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I asked my wife if I was the only one she'd ever slept with

She said, "Yes. All the others were nines and tens"

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My wife has worked as a magician’s assistant for years now.

I think she has picked up a few tricks.

I came home from work early today and she was in the bedroom.

She said, “Abracadabra!” and my mate, Dave, came out of the wardrobe, stark naked.

Poor bastard must have wondered what the fuck was going on.

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A quack posted a sign on his place which said "Can treat all kinds of illneses for $100. If I can't, I'll pay you $100"

A guy tried his luck and went inside.

Guy: hey doc, my sense of taste is messed up

Quack: Okay. Let me get the medicine from the second shelf and you'll drink one tablespoon of it

[guy drinks medicine]

Guy: [spits] fuck you, this is gasoline!

Quack: your sense of taste is now working. That will be $100

The guy, mad, paid and left, but returned two days after.

Guy: hey doc, i keep on forgetting things

Quack: Okay. Let me get the medicine from the second shelf and you'll drink one tablespoon of it

Guy: fuck you, that's gasoline!

Quack: your mental faculties have been restored. That will be $100

Duped a second time, the fuy angrily paid and left, but returned two days after.

Guy: hey doc, i cant see well.

Quack: [thinks for some time] Sorry i dont have a cure for that. A deal is a deal; here's the money as promised. [gets money from drawer and gives it to the guy]

Guy: wait a minute, this is 50 bucks

Quack: good! Your sight has become well. Give that back and pay me $100

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What do you call the cleavage between breast implants?

Silicon Valley

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Husband arrives home from work to his wife with a broken leg

Hubby: How are you doing??

Wife: Fine. Hey, do me a favour.. Go upstairs & get me my slippers. My feet are freezing!

Hubby goes upstairs & sees Wife's hot two sisters lying on the bed.

Hubby: Your sister sent me up to have sex with you girls..

Sisters: Prove it!

Hubby (Shouting): Hey Honey.., both of them ??

Wife: (Shouting back): Of course! What's the point of fucking one???...

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So, Alex sees an ad in the newspaper that says “Circus Looking for New Talents”.

Alex says to himself, “Eh, what the hell. I’m pretty talented,” and calls the circus. A lady answers him.

“Hello,” she says.

“Hi, is this the circus?”

“Yes.”

“I’ve heard you’re hiring.”

“You’ve heard correctly, sir. What is your name?”

“Alex.”

“Alright then, Alex, what makes you think you can join the circus?”

“Well, I have several talents... for example, I can shoot a three-pointer in basketball, like five times in a row.”

“O... Okay... That’s quite impressive, sir, but it’s not really not what we’re looking for. I think maybe you should call the NB...”

“No, no, wait! I... I can hula hoop for like 30 seconds straight!”

“Sir, I really don’t think you understand what the concept of a cir...”

“No, please, I... I... I can jump on one leg while saying the alphabet backwards!”

“...”

“...”

“Goodbye, sir.”

She hangs up the phone.

Alex sits there for like five seconds until he realizes he forgot something.

“Oh crap! I forgot to tell her I’m a horse!”

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