A gay couple traveling on a plane

A gay couple (Jerry and Tom) is traveling on a plane.

"What if we had sex?" asks Jerry.

"Are you crazy? Here, on the plane? It would be awkward, everyone would watch us doing it..."

"Nobody is even paying attention to anything. Look!"

Jerry stands up and asks loudly:

"Could I have a napkin, please?"

Nobody gives a damn. Everyone is sleeping, reading, looking out the window, etc. Flight attendants pretend to not hear them, as they also don't give a damn.

"They really wouldn't care then, would they?" says Tom.

So Jerry and Tom have wild sex on the plane.

Later, when the plane arrives to the airport and the people are leaving, the stewardess sees an old man who threw up all over his shirt, even his pants are soaking in the filth.

"Sir, you should've asked for a bag!"

"I didn't dare" whispers the old man. "A few rows ahead I saw a man asking for a napkin and he got fucked in the ass..."

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What's the difference between a politician and a flying pig.

The F

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I was walking home from school when I saw a boy on the curb wearing rags and cloths. I asked "Are you an orphan?" He said "Yes, what gave me away?"

I said "Your Parents"

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John goes to the Postal Ministry for an interview for a job in the Postal Department.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"  He replies, "Yes - coffee."  "Have you ever been in the military service?  "Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for two years."  The interviewer says,"That will give you 5 extra points towards employment."  Then he asks,"Are you disabled in any way?"  Johnl says,"Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles."  The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 A.M. To 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow from 10:00AM every day."  John is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M., why do you want me to start here from10:00 A.M.?"  "This is a government job," the inter-viewer says, "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our nuts. No point you coming in for that."

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A man walks into a bar and sits down He asks the barkeep "If I can show you something you have never seen before, can I drink here for free tonight?"

The barkeep thinks about it and says "well I have seen a lot of stuff, if you can genuinely show me something I have not seen before, I will pick up your tab tonight".

So the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a minature piano and sets it on the bar, then he reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a frog and sets the frog at the piano.

Low and behold the frog cracks his little fingers and starts to play!

The barkeep is just blown away by this and agrees that the man can drink for free for the rest of the night. Meanwhile there is a wealthy business man watching this unfold from a corner, so he gets up and approaches the man sensing a business opportunity. He says "Excuse me, but I saw your frog and I was wondering if he was for sale?"

The man replies "Sorry the frog is not for sale" and continues sipping his drink.

The businessman offers $10,000 for the frog, which the man again politely declines, followed by offers for $20,000 and $30,000. Until the business man finally gives up and goes back to his seat.

The man finishes his drink and asks the barkeep "Hey, if I can show you something else even more amazing, would you let me drink here for free any day?" The barkeep thinking he has seen everythig now readily agrees, what coul dbe more amazing than a playing frog?

Well the man reaches into another pocket and brings out a mouse and puts him on top of the piano. A few secons lader the mouse starts to sing along with the frog's playing! The barkeep is absolutely floored by this and again agrees to honour his deal.

The business man also sees this and again approaches the man, he offers $100,000 for the frog and the mouse, which the man again declines. The business man in a last ditch effort says "OK, what about $100,000 just for the mouse?"

The man takes a sip of his drink and says "Just for the mouse? Yeah OK" so the business man cuts him a check right there, and takes the mouse and leaves.

The barkeep says to the man "Are you crazy!?" A mouse like that has got to be worth 10x that much! What were you thinking?"

The man calmly sips his drink and replies with a wry smile "The jokes on him, the frog is a ventriloquist."

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A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10 million .

The bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court. 

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where's the money? "

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "where's the money?"

Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about"

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's temple and says, "Ask him again!"

The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Guido signs back, "OK.! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies, " He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

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My doctor told me to start killing people

Well, his exact words were "you need to start eliminating the stress in your life".

Whatever, same thing.

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