Wiped his ass.
Thứ Sáu, 19 tháng 7, 2019
A Man Walks Into a Tattoo Shop Asking for $100 bill on penis
A man walks into a tattoo shop and asks to get $100 bill tattooed on his dick. The tattoo artist is surprised and intrigued by this request. "Uh, are you sure about this sir?"
"Yes, I'm sure and I'm willing to pay whatever."
"Ok. May I ask why this particular tattoo in this particular spot? It's not going to be comfort---"
The man cuts him off and explains again that he is sure and asks how much money is needed. The two agree on a price and the tattoo artist begins to prep.
He asks the man again before starting if he is sure. "Yes," he answers, "let's get going."
The tattoo artist begins. The whole time he can't believe what is happening and why this man would put himself through the pain for a $100 bill on his cock.
After some time the tattoo is complete and it's as perfect as a $100 bill on a penis can look. The man is pleased with the work and tips the artist well.
"Look, I know I've asked you and asked you, but now that I'm done can you please just tell me why you would go through all this pain and pay the money you did for this tattoo?"
The man sighs and says, "Sure, I suppose I can tell you. You have been pretty persistent."
"One, I like to play with my money. Two, I like to watch my money grow. And, three, the next time my wife wants to blow $100, she can do it at home."
A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...
She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on itallian bread, make with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the sandwich dear?”
Every time he would give the same response, “It tastes fine”. He would continue eating with a dissapointed look on his face.
His wife thinks maybe its time to switch things up a bit. So the next day, she makes him his normal lunch, only this time, she makes it with ham and cheese, and on wheat bread. She thought surely he will enjoy this!
The husband enters the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife then asks “Hows the sandwich dear?”
As always, he replies “It tastes fine”. He would continue eating with a dissapointed look on his face.
His wife then thinks maybe she needs to offer him more variety. So the next day, she makes him a sandwich, only this time its made with salami, peparoni, and extra veggies and vinegarette dressing. He walks in the kitchen, takes a bite, and the wife asks “Hows the sandwich dear?”
As always, he replies “It tastes fine” and continued eating with a dissapointed look on his face.
The next day, as lunch time is getting ready to roll around, his wife was making him lunch. She was furious at the lack of excitement and enjoyment coming from her husband, so she decides shes going to make him the most unique sandwich hes ever had.
She prepares her itallian bread, only this time she toasts it, and almost burns it. She adds random ingrediants like peanut butter, peppers and onions, strawberry jam, turkey, ham, corned beef, some olives and some various seasonings. She thought “If this doesnt get a new reaction out of him, nothing will!”
The husband walks into the kitchen, takes a seat, and takes a bite of his sandwich. All of a sudden, his eyes widen, and he takes two more bites.
Suddenly, he looks up at his wife with the biggest grin he’s ever had. He chuckled a bit and says “Finally! Something original in this sub!”
Thứ Năm, 18 tháng 7, 2019
A one-eyed guy named Wazowski found a magic lamp
Genie: you have one wish
Wazowski: I want an extra eye
Genie: done
Wazowskii: but nothing happened
A proctologist gets sick of his medical career and decides it's time for a change. He does a bit of research and settles on trying his hand at being a mechanic. He attends mechanic school diligently and pays attention in the hopes of being the best mechanic in town.
After taking his final exam, he notices a mistake with the grade on the test and asks the teacher.
"Sir, you have me 150% out of a possible 100% on the practical exam. This must be a mistake!"
The teacher replies, "It's no mistake. 50% of the grade is for perfect disassembly of the engine. 50% is for perfect reassembly of the engine. I gave you another 50% on top because you did it all through the exhaust pipe!"
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