I went into a pet shop and asked for twelve bees. The shopkeeper counted out thirteen and handed them over.

“You’ve given me one too many.”

“That one is a freebie.”

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Cop: So when did you notice your wife was dead?

Man: Well, the sex was still the same but the dishes started to pile up

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Mickey Mouse gets a call from his lawyer.

The lawyer tells him "Mickey I'm sorry, but you can't divorce Minnie just because she's crazy"

Mickey says "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she was f**king Goofy"

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Doctor: Well, it looks like you're pregnant.

Woman: Oh my god! I'm pregnant?

Doctor: No, it just looks like you are.

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I bought a toilet brush yesterday

But I gotta say that I still prefer toilet paper!

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A lumberjack went into a magical forest to cut down a tree.

Just as he began to swing his axe at a tree, the tree called out, "Wait! I'm a talking tree!"

The lumberjack grinned, "And you will dialogue!"

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My penis was in the Guinness book of world records.

Then the librarian told me i had to take it out before she called security.

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