A blond man shouts frantically into the phone.
"My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only 2 minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" Asked the doctor.
"No. This is her husband."
Thứ Năm, 26 tháng 9, 2019
A man walks into a bar and sees a sign that says, "Free Beer For Life If You Can Pass Our Test!"
He asks the bartender, "What's this 'test' you have?" The bartender says, "Well first, you gotta chug a gallon of pepper tequilla. Next, you have to go out back and pull the sore tooth out of our angry alligator. And finally, we have a girl up stairs who's never slept with a man, and you gotta go make things right with her." Laughing, the man exclaims, "Well that sounds like the stupidest test I've ever heard of!" He leaves to get drunk with his friends. Later that night, the man comes back to the bartender absolutely hammered drunk. "Ok bartender! Let's do this test!" The bartender hands him a gallon of pepper tequilla, and before he could warn him, the man starts chugging it. Teary eyed and near the point of fainting, the man finishes the gallon and slams it on the counter. Stunned, the bartender leads him out back to the alligator. A few minutes pass, and after a bunch of screaming and clatter, the man stumbles back in. His shirt is torn up and his body is bleeding profusely. He stares at the bartender and says, "Ok bartender, where's the girl with the sore tooth?"
Which is the number 1 cereal brand in Asgard?
Bifrosties
*holy shit almost crapped my pants with excitement when I came up with this. GF not as excited, I'm counting on you guys
Thứ Tư, 25 tháng 9, 2019
A lady buys a parrot from a pet store
The employee tells her the parrot has been living in a brothel (whorehouse) for a big part of his life. He learned some naughty words there, but he advised her to put a blanket on the parrot's cage for about 3 weeks, the parrot will soon forget the dirty talk. The employee even promised the woman a money back guarantee when she wouldn't be satisfied with the purchase.
The lady decides to purchase the parrot and brings him back home. As soon as she gets home she puts the blanket over the parrot's cage, after 3 weeks it's time to take the blanket off.
The parrot looks around the room and says: "You did some renovating ma'am? Looking good!"
A bit later the ladies' daughters walked in, and the parrot mentions: "I see you got some new girls too!?"
Later that day the lady's husband comes home and she hears the parrot's relieved voice saying: "Aaah finally, a familiar face!"
A soldier ran up to a nun
Out of breath he asked, "Please, can I hide under your skirt. I will explain later." The nun agreed... A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?" The nun replied, "He went that way." After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough, sister. You see, I don't want to go to Syria." The nun said, "I understand completely." The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!" The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls…. I don't want to go to Syria either."
A kid asks his mother why she has so many grey hairs...
The mother says "It's because you are so naughty."
The kid replies "Well, you must have been a right twat; have you seen grandma?!"
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