Husband: My wife is missing. She went to rescue people from the flood yesterday and has not come home ...

Sergeant at Police Station: What is her height? Husband: Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall. Sergeant: Weight? Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat. Sergeant: Color of eyes? Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed. Sergeant: Color of hair? Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can’t remember. Sergeant: What was she wearing? Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly. Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in? Husband: She went in my Jeep. Sergeant:...

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"$50 is $50!"

Walter took his wife Ethel to the state fair every year, and every time he would say to her, "Ethel, you know that I'd love to go for a ride in that helicopter." But Ethel would always reply, "I know that Walter, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars." Finally, they went to the fair, and Walter said to Ethel, "Ethel, you know I'm 87 years old now. If I don't ride that helicopter this year, I may never get another chance." Once again Ethel replied, "Walter, you know that helicopter is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50...

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After taking a huge dump I grabbed the roll, took off a piece and wiped my ass with it.

And that’s how I got banned from the bakery....

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A little kid goes to his dad and asks "Dad, what's the difference between theory and reality?"

The dad replies "Well, let me explain using an example. Go to your sister and ask her if she'll have sex with the Kyle, the kid next door, for fifty thousand dollars." The boy goes to his teenage sister and asks. The sister thinks and says "Yeah, I think I would." The boy tells his dad about his sister's answer. The dad says "Okay, now go ask your mother if she'd have sex with Kyle's dad for fifty thousand dollars." The boy asks his mother. His mom says "Y'know, I think I would." The boy tells his dad the answer. So the dad says "Well, let's put...

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Samuel L. Jackson was sitting at the breakfast table with his wife and 10 month old son...

His toddler starts to make some noises then very clearly says, "mother". Sam excitedly yells, "Oh my God, honey, he just said half a word!"...

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A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."   The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."...

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The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum.

They're the Tolkien white guys....

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