3 spies from England, France and Italy were sent to the USSR.

After a week they were captured and put in jail. The Russians took the English spy, tied and tortured him and after 20 minutes he gave all the info.
Then the Russians took the French spy. They tied and tortured him, and after 20 minutes he too gave all the info.
Then they took the Italian spy and did the same to him, but he didnt give any info. They kept torturing him for 3 hours but with no luck. Eventually they gave up and put him back in the cell.
The 2 other spies asked him “How did you do that? They tortured us like crazy!” The Italian replied: “I wanted to give all my info, but they tied my hands and so I couldn't speak.

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I have the unique ability to eat two pieces of string and poop them out tied together...

I shit you knot

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A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church

The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners.

You must abstain from having sex for two weeks.

" The couple agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.

The pastor asked them, "Well, were you able to get through the two weeks without being intimate?"

"Pastor, I'm afraid we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied

. "What happened?" inquired the pastor.

"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it.

When she bent over to pick it up, I was over come with lust and took advantage of her right there."

"You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.

"That's okay," said the young man. "We're not welcome at the grocery store anymore either."

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An arrogant, wealthy man passed away one day

In his will, he entrusted $50,000 in cash to each of his closest advisers: his accountant, his doctor, and his lawyer. In his will, he instructed that each of them was to put all of the money into an envelope and place it into his coffin at his funeral, so he could have his money even after death.

On the day of the funeral, each of his advisers came with a large envelope and each, in turn, placed it in the wealthy man's open casket. At the end of the funeral, when the man was buried, each of the advisers walked away from the cemetary together.

The accountant said to the other two "I must confess, I didn't put all of the money in. I kept $10,000 for myself and only put in $40,000."

The doctor responded "I should be honest too. I kept $20,000 for myself and only put in $30,000."

The lawyer looked at the other two with disdain and said "I'm ashamed of both of you. Our client instructed us to put in $50,000 each into his casket, and I'll have you know I put in a check for the full amount!"

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Just got my ticket to the Fibonacci convention!

I hear this year is going to be as big as the last 2 put together.

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The man who invented autocorrect has died.

May he roast in piss.

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Donald Trump – “I’m not orange!”

“Impeach.”

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