There’s only two of us though so I have to make every second count.
Thứ Bảy, 26 tháng 10, 2019
A bear walks into a bar.
He says to the bartender, "I'll have a..................beer."
The bartender responds, "What's with the big pause?"
The bear holds up his arms and says, "Always had 'em."
The frog
There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.
He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it."
The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked.
He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?"
Of course the Madam said no.
He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want."
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.
He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"
He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant for dinner, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease, and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG!"
Warning: to some, this joke is sexist / religiously offensive (but I don't agree)
Three men die and go to heaven.
When they arrive at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter says to them, "Congratulations; you made it into heaven! God has one rule, however, which is: YOU CANNOT STEP ON, KILL, OR TOUCH A DUCK. If you do, you will be punished."
The men think this is rather strange, but they agree.
A couple of days later, they decide to have a picnic. It's a beautiful day; the sun is shining, the skies are blue, etc. As they lay down the blanket, one of the men sits on a suspicious-looking lump (which turns out to be a duck).
St. Peter appears instantly. "I GAVE YOU ONE RULE!", he bellows, "And you could not follow it!? I have no choice but to punish you." Despite the man's pleas, St. Peter continues, "As punishment, you are now bound to the ugliest woman in heaven for all eternity!" Both St. Peter and the man vanish.
The next day, the two remaining men take a walk in a park. One of the men doesn't look where he's going, and all of the sudden... CRUNCH! - a duck has been stepped on.
As with the last time, St. Peter appears instantly. "You know what I must do - you are now bound to the next ugliest woman in heaven for all eternity!"
Three years later, the final man is relaxing in his house, when out of the blue, St. Peter appears. Expecting something bad, the man gets on his knees and asks what St. Peter wants. he replies, "Since you have been so good as to not touch a duck for the past three years, I will reward you by binding you to the most beautiful woman in heaven for all of eternity."
As St. Peter describes her, the man really thinks she sounds gorgeous. He is so eager to meet her that he asks, "When do I see her?" St. Peter snaps his fingers, and POOF - the man is meeting his soul mate. They talk for a while, until he says to her, "You're so beautiful and smart and funny; what did I do to deserve you?" The woman responds, "I don't know; all I had to do was step on a duck!"
Sorry about the length of this one, folks. I thought it was worth sharing.
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