Donald Trump is president. I think if George Washington were alive today, he'd look around and say, "What the fuck is going on? "

"How am I still alive?"

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I named my dog insane.

So when people ask me ‘are you fucking insane?’ I’ll say no, I’m fucking my sister.

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Did you know if you took all the human blood vessels and layed them out end to end

You would go to prison and they would make a documentary about you. You sick fuck

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Barack Obama goes to a costume party while giving his wife a piggyback ride. Someone asks him what he’s dressed up as and he responds “I’m a snail!”

That’s M’Shell on my back

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A dick has a sad life

His hair is a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor is an asshole, his best friend is a pussy, and his owner always beats him.

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What has two legs and bleeds?

Half a dog.

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My son loves my Delorean

So I let him drive it from time to time

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