An Authoritarian walks into a bar.

Orders everyone around.

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A guy gets hit by a car.

He wakes up in the hospital with the nurse right next to him.
The guy asks if he'll be ok, and the nurse replies with yes.
The nurse asks "You'll need to pay for your stay here, which comes to about 20 grand. Do you have enough money?"

The guy replies "No, unfortunately, money is tight for me."

The nurse asks "well do you have any relatives that could help you pay?"

The guy says "No, my only living relative is my sister. She's an un-married nun."

The nurse interrupts and says "Actually, nuns are married to God."

The guys goes "Ok then, send the bill to my brother-in-law."

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My wife left me because I am insecure

No wait, she's back. She just went to get coffee.

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Donald Trump gets executed and is hanged by the neck until dead.

At Trump Tower, his family watches CNN, which is covering his death live, all of them mournful and teary before Donald himself walks in triumphantly.

“But Donald, CNN says you were killed!” Ivanka cried.

“Nope!” Donnie beamed, holding up the rope that was used to hang him, “fake noose.”

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My friends always get mad at me when I steal their kitchen utensils

But that’s a whisk I’m willing to take

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Chicken walks into a bar

Bartender says "Wrong joke, yours is across the road"

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The other day I told a girl, “You look great without glasses.”

Girl: “I don’t wear glasses.”

Me, while polishing my lenses: “No, but I do.”

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