A couple go to a bar during karaoke night...

and they hear a man sing to most beautiful cover of Stairway to Heaven they had ever heard. Since they were planning their wedding at this time, they approach the man after his performance.

"Wow, that was an amazing cover! Would you like to come perform at the reception of our wedding?" they ask him.

"I would love to! As a matter of fact, I'm a justice too, so I could even wed you two in the same day!" he replied.

So it was settled, and the man showed up to their wedding, and wed the two together. Everything was going just perfect until the reception... Ever song the man sang was just horrendous, he was off key in every verse, and at some points even forgot the lyrics. The moral of the story is, never book a judge by his cover.

Read More

Two men walk into a bar. One man orders H2O. The other says,"I'll have H2O, too."

The second man dies.

That's why you shouldn't repost.

Read More

Dong. Ding Dong.

• James Bond's doorbell

Read More

A monk joins a monastery...

...and he’s only allowed to say two words every ten years

After the first decade, he goes to the father to say his two words

Monk: “bed hard”

Father: “okay, I’ll make some changes”

Another decade goes by and the monk sees the father

Monk: “food bad”

Father: “okay, I’ll made some changes”

After a third decade, the monk sees the father again

Monk: “I quit”

Father: “good, because all you’ve done is bitch since you got here”

Read More

A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police.

He's now a seasoned veteran.

Read More

(Apparently, I said this joke in my sleep, and don't recall ever hearing it before, so I may have come up with it in my sleep as well.) Did you hear the one about the professional hockey player who quit his job to become an accountant?

He wanted an off-ice job.

Read More

Still my favorite joke I ever made up :)

A monocle walks into a bar. After a few drinks he starts to feel pretty good (and a little uncoordinated). He reaches for a cigarette, but the bartender stops him. "Sorry, buddy, but due to city ordinances we don't allow smoking in here. You'll have to step outside to smoke."

So the monocle hops off the bar stool and grabs his cigarettes to head outside. Meanwhile a second monocle emerges from the bathroom. They bump into each other as they cross paths and fall to the floor, hopelessly entangled. They try to get free but the more they struggle, the more tangled they become.

The bartender looks down on this travesty and shakes his head. "Hey you two!" he shouts. "Stop making spectacles of yourselves!"

Read More