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Thứ Năm, 13 tháng 2, 2020

My penis was in guinness book of world records...

..but then the librarian told me to remove it

Did you know piranhas can devour a small child down to the bone in less than 30 seconds?

Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium today.

A politician visited a remote little rural village and asked the inhabitants what the government could do for them.

“We have two big needs,” said the village headman. “First, we have a hospital but no doctor.”

The politician whipped out his cellphone, spoke for a while and then said: “I have sorted it out. A doctor will arrive here tomorrow. What is your other need?”

“We have no cellphone reception at all in our village.”

This morning I was beat up by a woman in an elevator.

I was staring at her tits, and she said, "Could you please press one." So I did.

A doctor flirted with me today. She said that I am too sweet.

Her exact words were "severely diabetic", but I know what she meant.

Parent Teacher conference

A boy tells his father, "Dad, our math teacher is asking to see you."

The father asks, "What happened?"

"Well she asks me, 'how much is 7 * 9?' I answer '63' , then she asks, 'and 9 * 7?' so I ask 'what's the fucking difference?'"

"Indeed, what is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.''

The next day, the boy comes home from school and asks, "Dad, have you gone by the school?"

"Not yet," the dad replies.

The boy says, "Well when you do, come and see the gym teacher also."

"Why?" asks the father.

The boy answers, "Well we had a gym class today, and he asked me to raise my left arm, so I did. Then my right arm, so I raised it. Then he asked me to lift my right leg, so I did. 'Now,' he says, 'lift your left leg,' so I answer 'What, am I suppose to stand on my cock!?'"

"Exactly," says the father. "Alright, I'll come."

The next day, the boy asks his father, "Did you go by the school?"

"No, not yet."

"Don't bother, I got expelled."

The father asks surprised, "Why did you get expelled?"

"They summoned me to the principal's office, and there were the math teacher, the gym teacher, and the art teacher."

"The fuck was the art teacher doing there?" the father asked.

"That's what I said" the boy replies.

Samuel L. Jackson doesn't call his parents Mom and Dad.

He calls them Mother and Motherfucker.