What does a nazi say when someone sneezes?

WHERE?

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As an Aussie, Americans are always asking me where in Australia there *isn’t* something trying to kill you...

School.

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As I expected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.

The plot thickens.

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I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.

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Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.

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A feminist told me about the "Dwayne Johnson Rule"

The rule, as she explained it, was that in order to determine if a particular comment was appropriate to say to a woman, first ask yourself, 'Would I be comfortable saying this to Dwayne Johnson?' If not, don't say it.

I thought this sounded like a good rule. So I told her:

"I think the stubble suits you!"

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A criminal gets arrested. NSFW

After the arrest he is put into his usual cell. After entering the cell he greets everyone as he is familiar with all of them. After the greetings, he notices an unfamiliar guy sitting alone in the corner that he has never seen before. "First time?" He asks. The stranger nods in agreement. "What are you in for?" He asks again. "Sexual assault" the stranger replies. The stranger definitely doesn't look like a person who would commit such a crime so the criminal questions " You don't look like a person who would force himself on a woman. What exactly happened?" The stranger answers "I had been to the town square just to check on the protests happening there. There were numerous media agencies covering the event. One reporter among them was wearing a shirt that had PRESS written on the chest." He continues after a pause. "So I did".

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My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water."

I know he means well.

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