A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

"Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us, too."

No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.

Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

"Here," he said to the 'statue'. "Eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

Read More

An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting it up with St.Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful bloodcurdling screams.

"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings."

The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation.

Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams "Oh my God," says the old lady, "now what is happening?"

"Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo."

"I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell."

"You can't go there," says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized."

"Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that.

Read More

A man ran into the bar and asked the bartender how tall is a penguin.

The bartender gives a rough estimate and say "about this tall I suppose."

The man replied "Oh fuck I ran over a nun!"

Read More

My wife offered me a blowjob today.

Bản tóm tắt này không có sẵn. Vui lòng nhấp vào đây để xem bài đăng.

Read More

A man visits a wise man and meets his three daughters...

He's staying for the night and each of the girls come to him in turn to offer their hospitality.

The first one tells him her name is June because she was born in June. She is well practiced in fortune telling and gives him advice on the future.

The second one tells him her name is August because she was born in August. She practices medicine and gives him a complete physical.

The third one tells him her name is Maple because she was born in the neighboring town. She tells him of a great treasure buried beneath the family stables.

After digging for an entire night, he returns empty-handed to the house covered in dirt and animal excrement. He complains to the wise man about Maple's deception.

The wise man replies "oh you must have met April. April fools."

Read More

A man who lived by the sea grew a cucumber so large he was able to turn it into his house. One day a bad storm flooded the area with seawater and damged his home.

Now he’s in a pickle.

Read More

A man walks into a bar...

...he approaches the barman and asks for a whiskey and coke.

"Take this apple."

"I don't want an apple. I want a JD and coke."

"Trust me, try the apple."

The man takes a bite, and exclaims "Christ! This tastes like Jack Daniels!"

"Yup. Turn it around."

"Wow!" He says after taking a bite from the other side of the apple, "This side tastes like coke!"

Before the man can ask the barman to explain the apple's mysteries, another patron walks in.

"Vodka and tonic please mate"

"Here's an apple."

"I don't want a fuckin' apple mate, I want a..."

"Trust me, try the man's apple. They're incredible!" Interrupts the first customer.

He takes the apple and begrudgingly takes a large bite and starts spluttering; "Bloody hell this tastes like neat vodka!"

Both the barman and the first customer yell "Turn it around!" in unison. The man obliges and exclaims "Wow! This tastes like tonic water. These apples are fantastic!"

A third man saunter's up to the bar; "Pint of IPA please mate".

"Hold on!" Says the second customer. "This guy has an apple in any flavour you want, it's incredible!"

"Any flavour?" Asks the third man.

"Any flavour you want sir." Say the barman.

"In that case, gimme an apple that tastes like pussy!"

"Um.. alright" says the barman as he hands him an apple.

The man takes a bite and immediately spits everything onto the bar.

"EEErrrughcchh!!! This apple tastes like shit!!"

"TURN IT AROUND!!"

Read More