A fellow was walking along a country road when he came upon a farmer working in his field. The man called out to the farmer "How long will it take me to get to the next town?"

The farmer didn't answer. The guy waited a bit and then started walking again. After the man had gone about a hundred yards, the farmer yelled out "About 20 minutes.”

“Thank you. But why didn't you tell me that when I asked you?"

“Didn't know how fast you could walk".

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What’s the cheapest part of a house?

The roof tiles, because they’re on the house.

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Three guys are walking their dogs and they see a bar

"I could really go for a drink," says the first guy. The two other guys agree, but as they get closer to the bar they see that there are no dogs allowed inside.

"I guess we can't go in, as there is nowhere to tie up our dogs," the second guy says.

"That's where you're wrong," the first guy replies. "Watch this." He puts on a pair of sunglasses and enters the bar.

"No dogs allowed," a waiter tells him.

"But this is my guide dog," the man replies. "I can't go anywhere without him."

"Very well, you may be allowed to have him in here then," the waiter says. The second guy does the same thing as the first guy and is allowed inside as well.

"That looks easy enough," the third guy thinks. He puts on a pair of sunglasses and enters the bar, making sure to stumble a bit so that he looks blind.

"No dogs allowed," the waiter tells him.

"But this is my guide dog," the man replies. "I can't go anywhere without him."

"Nice try," the waiter says. "I let those other two guys in because they both had golden retrievers, but there's no way a chihuahua can be a guide dog."

The third guy tries his best to look confused and angry.

"They gave me a chihuahua?"

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Did you know “Vegetarian” is a Native American word?

It means “Lousy Hunter”

I am Native American and this joke has been told to me a couple of times. Thought I’d share.

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I tried to translate my German grandfathers' favorite joke

A woman walks past a pet shop. In front of the store there is a cage with a parrot, that suddenly starts talking to the woman: "You're ugly"
The woman quickly walks away.

At the next day the woman again walks past the shop and the parrot again says "You're ugly".
This time the woman goes in the shop and complains to the salesman.

The salesman apologizes and tells the parrot to not say this ever again.
The next day the woman again walks past the pet shop and is happy to see the parrot turned completely silent. Provokingly she slows down. Suddenly the parrot starts screeching:
"I'm not saying anything but you know it!"

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I have to tell my girlfriend I am not into her fetishes.

But first, I gotta get some shit off my chest.

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A woman placed an ad in a news paper. 'I am looking for a male partner who needs to meet these three requirements.

1. He shouldn't beat me.
2. He shouldn't leave me.

Third and most important.

1. He should be great in bed.

One week later, her door bell rang, and she opened the door to find a man.

The man said, "Hi, I'm Peter. I don't have hands, so I can't beat you. I don't have legs so I can't leave you. I think I'm the guy."

The lady in an angry voice asked him back, "How the hell are you supposed to be great in bed then? Didn't you read the third requirement?"

I think You're mistaken my lady.

Peter replied, "I rang the doorbell. Didn't I?"

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