Pot head gets really high on some good shit and goes home

Gets inside the house and sees his fathers shoes

Oh shit, I better hide somewhere before my pops finds out that I got high again!!

Ok, Ok, I am gonna hide in the living room...

Opens the living room door and sees his dad sitting there and reading a newspaper.

my bad pops, sorry.. shuts the door

Ok, Ok, I am gonna hide in the kitchen!

Our pot head rushes to the kitchen, opens the door and sees the same thing, his father is sitting there and reading a newspaper.

Uhm... sorry pops... *shuts the door *

Shit, he is fast.... Then I am going to hide in the balcony!!

Rushes to the balcony, opens the door and the same thing... dad sitting there with the newspaper... but before he gets to apologize his pops goes

Son, you open the bathroom door one more time, I am gonna come out and beat the shit out of you.

I did my best to translate this joke from Armenian to English. Sorry for my bad grammar.

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Once, my parents walked in on me masturbating

Why they were walking around masturbating is beyond me.

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Jane asking Tarzan about his sex life

"Tarzan not know what is sex" he replied.

Jane then explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said ...."Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Stunned by his response, Jane said: "Tarzan you have it all wrong, you don't shag a tree to get yourself off. Tell you what, I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground.

"Here" she said, pointing to her privates,"you must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her as hard as he could in the crotch.

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.

Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed: "What the bloody hell did you do that for?

"Check for squirrel." he responds

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Farmers wife

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North?"

"Yes, I do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."

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A Young Vulture is sick of eating dead things and wants to be a vegetarian...

So he asks his parents whether they can start incorporating some vegetables into their meals.

His father is ashamed of him and says 'No'.

So the young vulture asks if he could bring a carrot to dinner and his mother and father tell him that he is a disgrace to the family and to put these silly notions out of his head.

The son doesn't give up though, every meal he begs his parents: "What about a cucumber?" "How about a little lima bean?"

Eventually the parents get sick of it and relent a little bit. His father tells him: "Fine! You can have a couple of peas with you dinner. BUT you have to eat all your roadkill first."

The young vulture pleads "But daaaaddd"

The father says: "NO! - Carrion my wayward son, there'll be peas when you are done."

Then he plays a sick keyboard solo.

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A crusty old man walks into a bank

& says to the teller, "I want to open a fucking checking account." The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank." The woman leaves the window & goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation. The manager agrees that woman does not have to listen to that foul language. They both return to the window & the manager asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?" There is no fucking problem," the man says. "I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery & I want to put my fucking money in this damn bank." "Oh...I see," says the manager, "And is this bitch giving you a hard time sir...?"

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Someone asked me to name two structures that hold water

and I was like "well, damn"

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