Contagious

Little Johnnie was going back to school after the covid lockdown. First day of school, teacher wanted to talk about how contagious Covid-19 is so she wanted to do a class participation with her students and they had to come up with an example of the word "contagious".

"Class, can anyone here give me an example of the word contagious?" Little Johnnie puts up his hand but the teacher knows better not to ask him so she sees little Susie put up her hand.

Teacher: "Yes Susie, what is your example?" Susie: "If you are closer than 6 feet of someone who is contagious with Covid-19, there's a good chance you to can catch it." Teacher: "Excellent example Susie. Anyone else?"

She sees once again Little Johnnie put up his hand and the teacher really doesn't want to pick him but to her amazement, no one else had their hands up so she had no choice but to pick him.

Teacher: "Ok Johnnie, what is your example?" Little Johnnie: "The other day my dad and I were at the front of our house watching 92 year old Ms. Hollstein mowing her large lawn. My dad mumbled to himself 'its gonna take that cunt ages to finish cutting all that grass.'"

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Russian joke: a tourist gets pulled over by a cop in Russia.

Cop: You were speeding! I am going to confiscate your driver's license and I'm calling for a tow truck to take away your car.

Tourist: But I need to get to the airport and the car is a rental!

Cop: I dont care.

Tourist: Please, be be reasonable, you cant do this!

Cop: Well, you can file an appeal. Here write it on this paper, but it has to be in Russian.

Tourist: But I dont know any Russian!

Cop: Not my problem.

The tourist takes the piece of paper and starts pacing around the car. In desperation, he takes a $50 bill out of his wallet, wraps it in the paper and hands it to the cop.

Cop: I see you already wrote half of the appeal! And you said you didn't know any Russian!

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My friends say there’s a gay guy in our circle of friends..

I really hope it’s Todd, he’s cute.

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I have a friend who is transgender.

He used to be a total dick but now she’s a cunt

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All countries eventually got Coronavirus...

But China got it right off the bat

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A 15-year old boy came home with a Porsche.

His parents began to yell and scream. “Where did you get that car?”

He calmly told them, “I bought it today.”

“With what money?” Demanded his parents. “We know how much a Porsche costs!”

“Well,” said the boy, “this one cost me fifteen dollars.”

The parents began to yell even louder. “Who would sell a car like this for fifteen dollars!?” They asked.

“It was the lady up the street,” said the boy, “don’t know her name— they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars.”

“Oh my goodness!” Gasped the mother, “she must be a child abuser! Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what’s going on.”

So the boy’s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in her yard calmly planting flowers. He introduced himself as the father of the boy she sold the Porsche to for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why.

“Well,” she said, “this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn’t intend to come back. He claimed he was really stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did.”

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A friend got mad at me for smelling his sister's underwear

I don't know if it was because she was still wearing them or because the rest of the family was there. Either way it made the rest of the funeral very awkward.

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