When it's funny as a motherfucker.
Chủ Nhật, 13 tháng 9, 2020
Dave has died and is waiting in the queue to get into heaven.
As he draws ever closer to St Peter he can hear him asking people the same question.
"Denomination?" he asks a little old lady as she reaches the front of the queue.
"Methodist", she replies.
St Peter checks his notes and directs her to the eighth door on the left.
"Please be quiet as you pass the first door on the right", he says as he sends her on her way.
The same happens again. "Denomination?" he asks a man as he reaches the front of the queue.
"Lutheran", he replies.
St Peter checks his notes and directs the man to the sixth door on the right.
"Please be quiet as you pass the first door on the right", he says as he sends him on his way.
Finally, it's Dave's turn to enter Heaven.
"Denomination?" St Peter asks Dave.
"United Reform", replies Dave.
St Peter checks his notes and directs Dave to the fourteenth door on the left.
"Please be quiet as you pass the first door on the right", he says as he sends Dave on his way.
Dave can't help himself and asks why he has to be quiet as he passes the first door on the right.
"Oh, that's the Evangelicals," St Peter responds. "They think they're the only ones here."
MY ENTIRE CAREER IS A JOKE!!
- I tried to be a barber, but I couldn’t cut it.
- I became an archaeologist. Before long, my career was in ruins.
- I wanted to get into the engineering field, but I burned too many bridges.
- I was a dentist for a while, but it was like pulling teeth.
- I thought about being a knife-maker. I made great blades, but I just couldn’t handle it.
- I thought I did a good job as an attorney, but the jury’s still out.
- When I became a plastic surgeon, I raised a few eyebrows. But I didn’t have enough patients for it.
- My friend and I became commercial pilots. It ended when we had a falling out.
- I tried my hand at gardening, but I was going through a rough patch.
- I worked for the IRS for a while, but it was too taxing.
- I worked on an oil rig, but it was a boring job.
- I got a job at a cemetery, but I wasn’t digging it.
- I quit my job at the helium factory. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone!
- I got fired as a yoga instructor. And I bent over backwards for those people!
- I was training to be a trapeze artist, but I got let go.
- I worked for a while making clown shoes. Don’t laugh! It was no small feat!
- I wanted to be a computer programmer, but I couldn’t hack it.
- I was a chiropractor for a while, but it was back-breaking work.
- I thought I was a pretty good accountant, but things just didn’t add up.
- I was training to be a sound technician, but I couldn’t handle feedback.
- I was an exercise instructor last year, but it didn’t work out.
- I auditioned for an orchestra. They said my performance wasn’t noteworthy.
- I thought about fortune-telling, but I couldn’t make a prophet and didn’t see a future in it.
- I had a position at a dance studio, but I was only going through the motions.
- I was going to work for Nike, but I just didn’t do it.
- I considered telemarketing, but it wasn’t my calling.
- I tried being a track athlete, but there were too many hurdles.
- I was a lifeguard, but before long I was in way over my head.
- I used to clean Porta Potties, but I got tired of taking everyone’s crap.
- I thought about being a motivational speaker, but ... meh.
- I worked at Krispy Kreme, but I quickly got fed up with the hole business.
- I fell in the vat at the bubblegum factory. Afterward, my boss chewed me out.
- I wanted to be a pet groomer, but I couldn’t make heads or tails of it.
- I got fired from the unemployment office, and still had to show up the next day.
- I auditioned for Nickelback, but I never made it as a wise man, couldn’t cut it as a poor man stealing.
- I didn’t like my job as a waiter. But at least I was putting food on the table.
- I had a job making stationery, but I quit because it wasn’t going anywhere.
- I got a job as a human cannonball. It was a high-caliber position! But I had a short fuse and got fired.
- But now I’ve gotten into astronomy, and my whole career is looking up.
Thứ Bảy, 12 tháng 9, 2020
A girl is having sex with her boyfriend [NSFW]
At her parents house. Her father after being woken by the noises goes upstairs to check it out, and walks in on them.
"Dad!" she exclaimed in a panic "... I'm sorry"
The dad being a dad replies "Hi Sorry! I'm Dad!"
He then turns to the boyfriend and asks "Are you fucking Sorry?"
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