Now he's just somebody that we used to know.
Thứ Hai, 28 tháng 9, 2020
Translation attempt: A Mexican, an American, and a Canadian compete with the Devil to see who gets out of hell
The Devil tells the three of them that whoever can fool him gets out of hell.
The Canadian is first. He is a good guy who never plays jokes on people, so he takes out a coin and makes a pretty basic magic trick. The Devil vaporizes him.
The American is next.
He walks towards the Devil and faces him closely. The Devil is confused but does nothing. The American is staring at the Devil's eyes and is not blinking. He suddenly pulls one of the Devil's legs and says "Ha ha! I pulled your leg!", the Devil instantly vaporizes him.
The Mexican is next.
He slowly walks towards the Devil and takes a Coca-Cola bottle out. He then starts to pierce a lot of holes in the bottle. The Devil is watching him closely, this is the most elaborate attempt until now. The Mexican checks the bottle to see if there are enough holes. He then puts the bottle in his ass and lets go a tremendous fart. The Devil does not understand. The Mexican sees the bottle again and gives it to the Devil, he then asks:
"Through what hole did the fart came out?"
The Devil is dumbfounded.
"This one?" The Devil points at the biggest hole in the bottle.
The Mexican says no with his head.
"This one?" The Devil signals a hole that a has a bit of poop hanging from it.
"No", says the Mexican.
The Devil surrenders, "you can go to Heaven now, but please, tell me, through what hole came the fart?"
A shower of Holy Light falls upon the Mexican and while he's ascending he points to his butthole and yells:
"¡POR ÉSTE!"
(through this one!)
*Ok, this is my first post on /r/Jokes. It's an old joke I heard a lot in my childhood, haha. I don't know if other countries have similar jokes but I wanted to share one of those dirty jokes my granny used to tell me. I hope you enjoy it.
A man met a beautiful girl and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, “But we don’t know anything about each other.” He replied, “That’s all right; we’ll learn about each other as we go along.”
So she consented and they were married, and they went on honeymoon to a very nice resort.
One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 30-foot high board and did a two-and-a-half-tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. This was followed by three rotations in jack-knife position before he again straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel.
She said, “That was incredible."
He said, “I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we’d learn more about ourselves as we went along.”
So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. She was moving so fast that the ripples from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other end of the pool. After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, barely breathing hard.
He said, “That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?”
“No,” she said, “I was a prostitute in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal."
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address.
He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read: “Dear God, I am an 83-year-old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me? Sincerely, Edna”
The postal worker was touched.
He showed the letter to all the other workers.
Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.
By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went.
A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.
All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
It read: “Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
“By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those bastards at the Post Office!”
A French, a German and an Italian spy are captured one day.
The captors grab the French spy, take him to the next room and tie his hands behind a chair.They then proceed to torture him for 2 hours before he finally cracks, answers all questions and gives up all of his secrets.
The captors then grab the German spy. They tie his hands behind the chair in the next room too and torture him for 4 hours before he finally cracks and tells them what they want to know.
They then grabbed the Italian spy. Once again, they tie his hands behind the chair and begin torturing.4 hours go by and the spy isn’t talking. Then 8 hours, then 16 and after 24 hours they give up and throw him back into the cell.
The German and French spy are impressed and ask him how he managed to not talk.
The Italian spy says, ” I wanted to, but I couldn’t move my hands.”
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