My dad said people shouldn't get ribbons just for participating because it rewards them for losing.

So I took down his confederate flag.

Read More

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane..

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading.
A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, and then shuddered violently once more.
The man assumed that the woman might have a cold, but was still curious about the shuddering.
A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said,
'I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?'
'I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm.'
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious.
'I have never heard of that condition before' he said. 'Are you taking anything for it?'
The woman nodded Yes...
'Pepper...'

Read More

This is the dirty joke my 85yo grandad told to our whole family by memory

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.

Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

​

Read More

3 brothers enter the hospital room of their dying parents who have lived a long life of exploring and treasure hunting.

Their parents greet them, and tell them of the last adventure they were unable to complete. “There’s a cave down in South America, deep in the jungle of Brazil. Go there are find the treasure we have been searching for the last 20 years. We know you the three of you will find it.”

The brothers leave to prepare for their journey, their hearts heavy from their parents passing, but set with vindictive courage determined to find this mysterious cave.

3 years later the brothers are hopeless, having found no evidence of such a cave in the Brazil’s jungles. They make it back to their parents house eventually... where they find a little glass bottle on top of the fridge, with a scroll rolled up inside.

The first brother uncorks the bottle and gets the scroll out, starting to unroll it. crinkle crinkle The paper is very brittle.

On it reveals a clear path through Brazil to where this mysterious cave might be. They only wish they knew about this treasure map 3 years ago... but alas, their journey begins.

Finally, within the Brazilian forests they arrive at the steps of a vine-encased stairway surrounded by foliage. There’s is no sign or anything but this IS where their parents’ treasure map led them to.

The brothers take each other by hand and begin to descend. After what seems like 1,000 steps they finally reach a dim torch-lit room with three doors. One door has a fire symbol. One door has a water symbol. And the last door has a question mark.

Bewildered by these symbols the first brother decides to take one for the team and enters the fire door. It slams behind him as he descends another 1,000 stairs. Finally reaching the bottom he finds red Rubies scattered about the floor in piles he could never have imagined! He begins gathering rubies into sacks he brought and once he picks up the last ruby.. he notices a fireball start to form in the corner of the room. So he lifts his sacks in an adrenaline-fueled rush and bee-lines it for the door, 1,000 stairs up. He just barely makes it out, slamming the door on the fireball behind him.

His brothers are impressed by his riches that he gathered! While also afraid that the fire door housed a killer fireball. But the second brother can’t be outdone by the first.

He makes his way down the stairs of the water symbol door. Making it to the bottom of the steps he finds sapphires scattered everywhere and begins to gather them up. He picks up the last sapphire and water immediately begins seeping in from all corners of the room... In a rushed panic he picks up his sacks of sapphires and trudges through the water, barely making it up the stairs and closing the door before the water level rose enough to kill him and his brothers.

The third brother is now wildly impressed with his first two brothers’ riches! And also terrified to open this third door and see what evils may linger behind a question mark symbol.

He gathers up some courage and enters. This time there are only 10 steps. He finds rubies, sapphires, emeralds, and diamonds galore! There are so many treasures he fills up 4, 5, 6 enormous sacks of gems and.. nothing happens. He picks up his treasures and barely manages to make it up those 10 steps with all the extra weight.

His brothers are ASTOUNDED. How did you get all that treasure?! Why did nothing attack YOU?!

Nevertheless, the boys returned home with their respective treasures, feeling fulfilled by completing their parents goal.

The first brother celebrates by buying a nice house on a lake in Texas, getting all sorts of fun toys and things to play with considering his newfound fortune. Years go by, and one day there is a gas leak in his kitchen. As he leans in to examine the issue, a fireball explodes in his face and kills him in a fiery death.

The very same day years later, the second brother was out enjoying a margarita on the beach, in front of his new beach mansion. Those sapphires really paid off for him to live a stress free life! That is until a tsunami forms faster than ever and engulfs the beach, claiming the second brother’s life before he or his margarita knew it.

Now the third brother hears about the tragic deaths of his brothers.. and recalls the fire door, and the water door which relate to his brothers’ deaths. Since he doesn’t know what to expect he begins to prepare for the worst. As he had saved his jewels and not lived an extravagant lifestyle the past few years, he had plenty of wealth to invest in a castle with a drawbridge and an alligator moat. An entire team of armed guards was set up for 24 hour lookout and protection.

Weeks go by and there is no cause for any alarm. Until one day where he gets a dispatch on his Walkie-talkie, “Psshhhhk- hello sir, you may want to have a look at this.. uh, I’m not sure how else to describe it. We have identified a.. floating coffin? It seems to be headed in our direction at a steady pace.. just ominously floating.”

The brother immediately heads to the lookout tower to get a glimpse through binoculars. And then he sees it. The floating coffin has a big question mark on the front of it.. floating directly towards him 1,000 meters away. He immediately recognizes this as the question mark on the door where he found his treasures.

In a panic, he yells into his walkie talkie, “Psshhhk- ATTENTION ALL GUARDS, DO NOT LET THAT THING INTO THIS CASTLE. OPEN FIRE, RAISE THE DRAWBRIDGE! DO ANYTHING YOU HAVE TO DO TO PROTECT ME!!”

He then makes his way to the deepest, most secluded portion of his castle, ending up in a guest bathroom underground where he was holed up waiting for his fate to arrive.

His guards radio in as he starts to hear rumbling and crashing upstairs above him.

“Psshhhk- SIR! Sir.. we can’t stop it. Our bullets just bounce off it it! It just floated over the moat and crashed through our drawbridge!! It is coming for you.. we can———“ and the walkie falls silent.

In a panic the brother starts to look for anything he might be able to use to defend himself... he really is at a disadvantage in this guest bathroom as all he can find is an old rusty razor and a bottle of NyQuil. He thinks just maybe he could try and slice at it with the razor and maybe use the bottle of NyQuil as a projectile.

Soon enough, he hears the coffin crashing through the outer door, and CRASH the bathroom door shatters into pieces as the big question mark fills his view. Quickly, he throws the bottle of NyQuil and lunges at the coffin with the razor in hand... but he swings at nothing.. the coffin had vanished into thin air as soon as the NyQuil made contact.

And that’s when he realized.. NyQuil stops the coffin.

Read More

A married man went to church to confess

"Father, forgive me for I have almost had sex with another woman." he said

The priest asked: "What do you mean with 'almost'?"

The man said "Well, we got undressed and rubbed our bodies against each other, but then we stopped."

The priest said "rubbing is the same as putting it in, so pray 5 times our Lords prayer and put $100 into our offertory box."

The man left the both and went on to pray the Lords prayer as ordered. He then walked over to the offertory box and stood in front of it for a moment.

He then turned away and headed for the exit. The priest has been watching the whole situation and shouted: "Hey, you didn't out the money into the box!"

The man turned around and smiled. "I was rubbing the note against it, and you said rubbing is the same as putting it in."

Read More

My wife asked me, “Why don’t you treat me like you did when we were first dating?”

So I took her to dinner and a movie then dropped her off at her parents’ house.

Read More

A‌‌n America‌‌n soldier‌‌, serving‌‌ in Worl‌‌d Wa‌‌r I‌‌I ha‌‌d jus‌‌t returne‌‌d fro‌‌m severa‌‌l week‌‌s o‌‌f battl‌‌e o‌‌n th‌‌e Germa‌‌n fron‌‌t lines.

Th‌‌e soldie‌‌r ha‌‌d bee‌‌n grante‌‌d res‌‌t an‌‌d relaxatio‌‌n an‌‌d wa‌‌s o‌‌n ‌‌a trai‌‌n tha‌‌t wa‌‌s boun‌‌d fo‌‌r London.

Th‌‌e trai‌‌n wa‌‌s ver‌‌y crowded‌‌, s‌‌o th‌‌e soldie‌‌r walke‌‌d th‌‌e lengt‌‌h o‌‌f th‌‌e trai‌‌n i‌‌n hope‌‌s o‌‌f findin‌‌g a‌‌n empt‌‌y seat.

Th‌‌e onl‌‌y empt‌‌y sea‌‌t wa‌‌s directl‌‌y adjacen‌‌t t‌‌o ‌‌a wel‌‌l dresse‌‌d middl‌‌e age‌‌d Englis‌‌h lad‌‌y an‌‌d wa‌‌s bein‌‌g use‌‌d b‌‌y he‌‌r littl‌‌e dog.

Th‌‌e wear‌‌y soldie‌‌r asked‌‌, "Pleas‌‌e ma'am‌‌, ma‌‌y ‌‌I si‌‌t i‌‌n tha‌‌t seat?"

Th‌‌e Englis‌‌h woma‌‌n looke‌‌d dow‌‌n he‌‌r nos‌‌e a‌‌t th‌‌e solide‌‌r an‌‌d sniffe‌‌d the‌‌n said‌‌, "Yo‌‌u Americans‌‌. Yo‌‌u ar‌‌e suc‌‌h ‌‌a rud‌‌e clas‌‌s o‌‌f people‌‌. Can'‌‌t yo‌‌u se‌‌e tha‌‌t m‌‌y littl‌‌e pooc‌‌h i‌‌s usin‌‌g tha‌‌t seat?"

Th‌‌e soldie‌‌r walke‌‌d away‌‌, lookin‌‌g i‌‌f ther‌‌e wer‌‌e an‌‌y othe‌‌r unoccupie‌‌d seat‌‌s t‌‌o use‌‌, bu‌‌t afte‌‌r anothe‌‌r tri‌‌p dow‌‌n t‌‌o th‌‌e en‌‌d o‌‌f th‌‌e train‌‌, h‌‌e foun‌‌d himsel‌‌f facin‌‌g th‌‌e woma‌‌n wit‌‌h th‌‌e do‌‌g again.

Again‌‌, th‌‌e soldie‌‌r asked‌‌, "Pleas‌‌e lady‌‌. Ma‌‌y ‌‌I si‌‌t there‌‌? I'‌‌m ver‌‌y tired."

Th‌‌e Englis‌‌h woma‌‌n wrinkle‌‌d he‌‌r nos‌‌e an‌‌d snorte‌‌d ou‌‌t loud‌‌, "Yo‌‌u Americans‌‌! No‌‌t onl‌‌y ar‌‌e yo‌‌u rude‌‌, yo‌‌u ar‌‌e als‌‌o extremel‌‌y arrogant!"

Th‌‌e soldie‌‌r didn'‌‌t sa‌‌y anythin‌‌g else‌‌; h‌‌e leane‌‌d over‌‌, picke‌‌d u‌‌p th‌‌e littl‌‌e do‌‌g an‌‌d tosse‌‌d i‌‌t ou‌‌t th‌‌e windo‌‌w o‌‌f th‌‌e trai‌‌n an‌‌d sa‌‌t dow‌‌n i‌‌n th‌‌e empt‌‌y seat.

Th‌‌e Woman‌‌, a‌‌t ‌‌a los‌‌s fo‌‌r words‌‌; shrieked‌‌, raile‌‌d an‌‌d demande‌‌d tha‌‌t someon‌‌e defen‌‌d he‌‌r an‌‌d chastis‌‌e th‌‌e soldier.

A‌‌n Englis‌‌h gentleme‌‌n sittin‌‌g acros‌‌s th‌‌e aisl‌‌e spok‌‌e u‌‌p an‌‌d said‌‌, "Yo‌‌u know‌‌, sir‌‌, yo‌‌u American‌‌s d‌‌o see‌‌m t‌‌o hav‌‌e ‌‌a penchan‌‌t fo‌‌r doin‌‌g th‌‌e wron‌‌g thing‌‌. Yo‌‌u ea‌‌t holdin‌‌g th‌‌e for‌‌k i‌‌n th‌‌e wron‌‌g hand‌‌, yo‌‌u driv‌‌e you‌‌r auto‌‌s o‌‌n th‌‌e wron‌‌g sid‌‌e o‌‌f th‌‌e roa‌‌d an‌‌d now‌‌, sir‌‌, you'v‌‌e throw‌‌n th‌‌e wron‌‌g bitc‌‌h ou‌‌t th‌‌e window!."

Read More